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Business/Economy

Nuclear Energy Completely Safe, Say Men Who Make Money from Nuclear Energy

Washington – The Nuclear Energy Institute, a group which lobbies Washington politicians on behalf of the nuclear energy industry, released a statement Monday in which they declared nuclear energy to be “completely and utterly safe. Like, totally safe.”

Jeff Friedkin, one of the group’s representatives, scurried around Captiol Hill, trying to get that message across to lawmakers.

“We know these nuclear reactors are safe because we’ve tested them rigorously,” Friedkin said. “We’ve set up Lego versions of the reactors and had our intern, Phil, shake the base of the whole thing really hard. Like, probably as hard as the earthquake in Japan would have been, had it happened in Lego World.”

Concern over the future of nuclear energy hit its peak with the recent disaster at several Japanese reactors following an earthquake and tsunami in that country. Friedkin is hoping to allay fears about the industry, at least among D.C. legislators.

“I told them, ‘Listen, I would put my grandmother in the middle of any of the reactors in this country,'” Friedkin said. “‘During an earthquake.’ Now, granted, my grandmother is dead, and I didn’t like her very much, but regardless, I think I got my point across.”

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Business/Economy

Exxon Mobil Vows to Reduce Nation’s Dependence on Other Companies’ Oil

Irving, TX – Rex V. Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil Corporation, released a statement today pledging the company’s commitment to “reducing this great nation’s dependence on oil that is produced and brought to market by companies other than Exxon Mobil.” The statement went on to say that the United States can no longer afford to be at the mercy of several oil giants at the same time.

“This country should not have to face the prospect of several different oil companies determining its economic fate,” Tillerson said in the statement. “The United States deserves to have no more than one oil company pulling its strings at any one time, and Exxon Mobil is committed to making that a reality.”

Exxon Mobil, a descendant of Standard Oil, earned a record $39.5 billion in profits in 2006. The company has been criticized for doing little to aid the battle against global warming and the quest to find alternative sources of energy. What’s more, they have been accused of campaigning against those causes.

“Exxon Mobil has received torrents of criticism for not being committed to the search for ways to reduce our country’s dependence on oil and to find fresh, new ways to look at our energy needs,” the statement reads. “So here is a proposal that cannot be called anything but new and fresh: we call on the other oil companies to stop making the people of this country buy oil from them. We are willing to be the sole provider of oil for this nation, and we guarantee that if America stops buying oil from anyone other than Exxon Mobil, the nation’s dependence on oil other than that which Exxon Mobil produces will markedly decrease. This our pledge, and we do not take it lightly.”

The statement concluded, “Exxon Mobil is nothing if not patriotic. We hope the other oil companies will join us in our quest to help America reduce its dependence on oil that we do not produce. We have taken our bold stand. The question now is, will you?”