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U.S. Extends Terror Alert Through End of News Cycle

Washington – The U.S. State Department is extending the worldwide terror warning it issued two days ago, until the end of the current news cycle, according to officials. The officials stressed this was not indicitive of a new threat, but a continuation of the original one, which cited an “unspecified threat against unknown targets,” most likely perpetrated by operatives of an al Qaeda affiliate in the Arabian Peninsula.

Officials continued to offer no further details about a specific time or target of the threat, but said they are now, “more certain than ever it will occur in Europe, Africa, or Asia. Possibly elsewhere.”

This morning, State Department spokesman John Crowley notified the media the State Department was extending the warning “until at least the end of this current news cycle.”

“We don’t have details on where specifically the threat might be targeted, and we don’t know exactly when it is intended to occur,” Crowley said, “but we do know we want it to be the top story for the next few days or so.”

Crowley added that the warning might wind down sometime this weekend.

“We issued the threat on Sunday night/Monday morning,” he said. “We’re looking at possibly lessening the severity, starting on Friday or maybe Saturday.”

Asked for details on what prompted the extension, Crowley noted “an abundance of caution,” due to the unusually high level of chatter.

“And this is not just your usual chatter,” Crowley added. “This is very sophisticated, high-level stuff. It’s some of the best chatter I’ve ever seen.”

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Terrorist Smuggles Entire al-Qaeda Training Class Aboard Flight to U.S.

Chicago, Illinois – Officials at O’Hare International Airport, the Department of Homeland Security and the Transportation Security Administration are piecing together clues as to how an alleged terrorist was able to smuggle 12 of his al-Qaeda training school classmates onto a flight from Germany to Chicago in his carry-on luggage.

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Al Qaeda Begins Fall Fund Drive

Osama bin Laden’s notorious terrorist group Al Qaeda has begun its Fall Fund Drive, according to an audio message released by the group’s deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri, Tuesday.

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Bin Laden Tweets 140-Character Fatwa

Washington – Al Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden has issued a new fatwa, or religious edict, banning any cooperation by Muslims with American forces and their allies in Afghanistan, according to a U.S. intelligence official familiar with the case.

Bin Laden was apparently motivated by recent reports of a U.S. need for added intelligence to aid its war effort in Afghanistan. The fatwa was issued using the social networking tool Twitter, and therefore was only 140 characters long, which is the maximum allowed in a Twitter post, or “tweet.”

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McCain Vows to Defeat Nazis and Japanese in Iraq

Bay Ridge, Brooklyn – NY – At this morning’s campaign stop in the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn, John McCain vowed that if elected, he will “defeat the forces of Nazism in Iraq, and also the Japanese forces that are there, which is well known.” The comments were the latest example of what many see as confusion on McCain’s part regarding the makeup of the Iraqi insurgency. He has referred several times to cooperation between Iran, a predominately Shiite nation, and Al Qaeda in Iraq, a group which is largely Sunni. Earlier this week McCain seemed to repeat the error once again when questioning Iraq commander Gen. David Petraeus in Senate hearings.

Today, McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East. “My friends, I’m not the kind of guy to say ‘I told you so,’ but I knew we needed to stop Hitler at Munich. Unfortunately, my warnings were not heeded,” said McCain, who was two years old when the Munich Agreement was signed in 1938. “And now, my friends, the Nazis are in Iraq, making the challenge our troops face there even tougher. And it’s a shame. It’s just a shame. Because we’ve already got the Al Qaeda there. And the Sunni. And the Shia. And the Japanese. It’s just a mess. And it must be very crowded.”

Following the statement, it was a young woman in the audience, not a reporter, who confronted McCain about the inaccuracies in his comments (members of the news media have taken a blood oath never to confront Mr. McCain directly regarding any error or misstatement he may make). “Senator McCain, neither the Nazis nor the Japanese are in Iraq,” the audience member, who did not give her name, pointed out. “I am rather frightened that you don’t know that, or that you’re—that you appear to be confused about these facts. These very important facts.”

McCain shuffled his feet and chuckled a bit. “Well, young lady, everyone is entitled to their opinion, even young people. No, but I’ve been to Iraq several times now, and I know what the truth is on the ground over there. And these roadside bombs that the Nazis are blowing up all over the place, they’re not a figment of my imagination. They’re real. I may be old, but I’m not crazy. You mark my words. If we don’t defeat the Nazis now, they’ll go on and probably invade Poland. I’m telling you.”