McCain Wanders Off Debate Stage and Into Undergraduate Physics Lecture

Nashville, TN – About 40 minutes into Tuesday night’s debate between presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and John McCain at Belmont University, Senator McCain wandered off the stage and exited the auditorium. He wound up in a physics classroom, located in the same building, where he sat in on part of a lecture being given to undergraduate students before being returned to the debate by members of his staff.

“It happened before we realized it,” said a McCain staffer who wished to remain nameless. “Senator Obama was speaking, and I guess we were all watching him. And Senator McCain — he can be a stealthy little guy when he wants to be. He sort of drifted off the stage and somehow exited the auditorium. And then he must have walked down the hall and around the corner, and he ended up in the physics classroom. When we finally found him, he looked up at us and said, ‘The particles, my friends. It’s all about the particles.’ We took him back to the auditorium.”

Professor Arnold Kamsky, who was giving the lecture at the time Senator McCain wandered into the classroom, said the class was a make-up for one that had to be canceled in September. Professor Kansky said he didn’t know what to think when he saw Mr. McCain take a seat in the fifth row of the lecture hall.

“He was smiling, and he seemed very pleased to be there,” Mr. Kamsky said. “He listened attentively. I didn’t know if it was some kind of political thing or if he actually wanted to come see the lecture. But at one point he raised his hand and asked if the material would be on the exam.”

Steve Schmidt, the McCain campaign’s chief strategist, told reporters that the incident was not a case of Senator McCain losing his bearings or forgetting where he was. “He was tired, frankly, of listening to the same old empty rhetoric from Senator Obama,” Schmidt said. “So, being the maverick that he is, he went to the physics lecture and absorbed information that he thought would be helpful to the American people. Senator Obama talked a lot earlier in this campaign about how the president will have to be able to multitask. How about this for multitasking? John McCain can participate in a presidential debate and learn about physics at the same time. I don’t see Senator Obama doing that kind of thing.”

Senator McCain was asked what he learned in his short time in the classroom. He said, “Classroom? My friend, I don’t know if you noticed, but there was a debate going on tonight. A Senator Obama and an older gentlemen were debating in front of a crowd here. It was very exciting.”


Couric to Palin: Do You Know We’re Recording This?

New York – Several times during her exclusive interview with Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric asked Palin whether or not she was aware that the interviews were being taped, and that “other people would see them.” Palin reportedly told Couric that she was indeed aware, but then asked Couric what she meant by “broadcast.”


Palin: This Financial Situation Needs a Good Scrubbin’ and a Cleanin’

Harrisburg, PA – Campaigning with Senator John McCain in Pennsylvania Monday, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin told an invited audience of nearly 3,000 that Wall Street needed “a good old-fashioned scrubbin’. A heck of a lot of it. A whole lot of cleanin’ and scrubbin’ is required for this hoot of a mess we’re in here.” Further details were not provided regarding Palin’s ideas for an economic recovery plan. Senator McCain was asleep throughout much of Palin’s prepared remarks, until suddenly waking up with a start and yelling, “Barracuda!” He fell back asleep moments later.

Palin spoke generally about the economic crisis currently shaking Wall Street and the country. “This is just an awful mess of a situation,” Palin said. “It’s a doozy of a messerino. And this kind of mess requires a really good cleaner. And that’s what we are, me and John McCain. We’re the best scrubbers and cleaners there are. We’ll get in there and mop up the mess. Just soak it right up. Clean it all up nice and spiffy and get it good as new again. You betcha we will.”

Though all of the nearly 3,000 audience members were invited to the event, one woman in the audience, Sandra Middleton, told Palin she felt the need to ask her for more specifics, especially on the economy. “I mean, this is a serious situation,” Middleton said. “So, how exactly are you going to clean it up? You know, what is it specifically that you’re going to do?”

“Yah. Exactly,” Palin responded. “That’s exactly the question, huh? What exactly is going to be done to help me, to help the average American? Not some fat cat on Wall Street or some Washington insider who’s been gaming the system in the good-old-boy network. But me, the regular person. And that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna put government back to work for you. The American people. Yah.”

“But how?” Middleton asked.

“Well, yah, the way I said,” Palin replied. “You know? We’ll go in and clean up the mess we got in there. On Wall Street. And in Washington, too. ‘Cause it’s not just Wall Street. It’s Washington. And that’s what we’ll do. We’ll clean it up. Soak it up. Get it good as new. Shiny and bright and clean, like America oughta be.”

Palin then turned to Senator McCain and said, “John, you want to weigh in on the lady’s question here?” But McCain was once again asleep. Palin’s question shook the senator from his slumber, as McCain shot up and said, “Herbert Hoover!”


Biden Quits Race Because He Can’t See Russia From Delaware

Scranton, PA – Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden made a stunning announcement during a campaign stop today that he is leaving the race, effective immediately, “because I just have to face up to the fact that I’m not qualified for this position. I can’t see Russia from my state. What business do I have being Vice President?”

Several members of the visibly stunned crowd gasped audibly, and several yelled, “No!” Biden responded calmly, saying, “I know you’re disappointed. I am, too. But all I can see from my house is the Kozinsky’s yard, and their stupid dog, and that just isn’t good enough. Not in these troubled times.”

Senator Barack Obama, the head of the Democratic ticket, was saddened by Biden’s announcement. “I’ll miss Joe terribly, and I was honored to campaign with him,” Obama said. “But when you consider the fact that he can’t see Russia from Delaware, it’s hard to argue against his decision. It is almost an unspoken prerequisite for a vice president – Can I see Russia from my state? If the answer’s no, I think you do have to ask yourself how ready you are.”

Reporters pointed out to Biden his decades of foreign policy experience, his dealings with foreign heads of state, international politics and the like. Biden said none of that makes any difference. “Don’t you see?” Biden asked. “It just doesn’t matter. All that crap. The point is, can I see Russia or not? And the answer is, no I can’t. I tried. I stood on a chair in my kitchen and looked out the highest part of the window. I even went up on the roof. But no luck. When I came back in, I looked at Jill and I told her, ‘I can’t do this to the American people. They deserve better.'”

Opinion The Mack Truck

Oh, I’m Sorry, Mr. Obama, I Didn’t Realize You Were Running For President of Germany

by Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey

I realized recently that I’ve been wrong all this time. Here I thought Barack Obama was running for President of the United States. Turns out he’s running for President of Germany. At least that’s how it appears, judging by his “everyone look at me” festival of last week. His ego took a trip around the world, and all the people came to see.

The “highpoint” was when Mr. Obama went to Berlin, where he spoke in front of a crowd of 200,000 screaming Germans. He said nothing of consequence, as usual, just that he’ll “change” everything. But the Germans wet themselves all over their Bratwurst. They went ape-shit. They loved him. They screamed and cheered and made love to themselves. Vagueness is very exciting.

Well, Mr. Obama, all this love would be great except for one thing: You were in Germany. And the last I checked, Germans don’t get to vote in a United States presidential election. (At least not yet, anyway. We’ll see what happens if you get elected.) Did you really think the best thing for you to do right now was to go to Germany so you could receive all this sausage-laced love and affection? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think there’s some stuff to do at home. Gas is five thousand dollars a gallon. The dollar’s worth a little bit more than a handful of Cheez-Its. The economy in general’s about as good as it was when your lib-lab buddy Jimmy Carter was in office. So why was receiving the adulation of all those screaming Berliners so important right now? I know you’ve lived in, like, 40 countries in your life, but couldn’t you at least pretend to like America? Furthermore, have you even thought about why these other countries, like Germany, might love you?

I have. I’ve thought about it a lot, actually. And to my eyes, the answer’s as clear as the nose on Chancellor Merkel’s face. Germany didn’t like our invasion of Iraq. They joined your other favorite country, France, in urging us not to invade. But you know what? They encountered a president with a little thing called conviction. We didn’t give in to their demands. We invaded anyway. Because we love freedom. Because, unlike them, we don’t build walls in the middle of our country separating one half from the other. (Note that this is completely different than a wall around the country, which I am completely in favor of.) So let’s look at this from their point of view. Who would they rather have in the White House? Another man with conviction, a man who survived a Vietnamese prison camp, a man with principles who may very well stand up to their demands during his time in office? Or a touchy-feely lib-lab who’ll do everything they tell him to do? I think it’s pretty clear. When you ask if there’s anything the Germans would like better than you as president, the answer is: Nein.

The Germans love you, Mr. Obama. That’s fantastic for you. You know what else they loved, not too long ago? The Gestapo. So good luck with them. They have great judgment.