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Straight Idiots Free to Marry, Reproduce at Will

KANSAS CITY, Kansas – Kansas voters yesterday approved an amendment to their state constitution banning gay marriage, with roughly 70% voting for the amendment and only 30% opposing. Meanwhile, Tennessee residents approved the “Multiply With Whiskey Not Math” provision, as it was nicknamed in local papers, which allows stupid Tennesseans to marry and have children as often as they would like. 68% of voters approved the provision, and 32% said they didn’t understand the question.

Marjorie Wilkes, a stupid person living in Knoxville, Tennessee, said, “Well, I may be on the sort of slow side or whatever, but that doesn’t mean they should be able to tell me I can’t marry some lowlife sonofabitch and have lots of little bastards who’ll be just like him and do the same thing to women that he did to me. That’s what I did, and it’s my God-given right.”

Jacob Pittlefree was asked about what one could infer based on the two votes about the role of the state versus the role of the federal government regarding the issue of marriage. He said, “What?” He was then asked again. “Well, yeah, I mean, the gays might be valuable citizens and productivate things and be smart and all that, but they’re gay. Like, my wife and me, we’re not–I mean, we have one tooth between us, okay? And we share it. But–But, I mean, we may be dumb and whatever, and not contributing to society at all and whatnot, but at least we don’t do what gay people do. The Bible says not to. It’s as simple as that. The Bible doesn’t say you can’t be dumb. Nowhere in there does it say, ‘Thou shall not be really freakin’ stupid.’ Thank God.”

Tennessee Senator Bill Frist praised his state’s decision. “This is a great day for morons everywhere. I think this proves that in the great state of Tennessee, every person except some homo is equal under the law. You can be dumb as an ox, and you’re free to do what any person of average intelligence can do, even though you can’t do most of those things. But the potential is there. And that’s important.”