Washington – Senator Walter Shitonface (D-WI) urged his senate colleagues to swiftly pass a bill to ease the process of officially and legally changing one’s name in the United States. Shitonface said his desire to see the legislation made into law had nothing to do with a displeasure with his own name, though he acknowledged an awareness of the difficulty of going through life with a name that is easily made fun of.
“This is not about me,” he told his colleagues from the Senate floor. “My name was given to me by my parents, Arthur and Lorraine Shitonface, and I am not ashamed of it. I never have been. Nor was my son Lloyd Shitonface ever ashamed. However, my grandson, Timmy Shitonface, is coming of age in a much more cruel, difficult time, it seems. He has endured relentless mockery at school, certainly worse than what I suffered. They say–Well, they don’t have to change the name at all, do they? And isn’t that the shame of it? All they have to do is call him by his name. ‘Hey, Shitonface, where are you going?’ ‘Oh, it’s Mr. Shitonface himself.’ That kind of thing. Just imagine what it’s like for him in the bathroom.”
The senator said it’s not just members of his own family he’s concerned about. Thousands of people across the country, he says, seek to change their names each year, but many give up due to the bureaucratic obstacles they find standing in their way.
“I met a young girl recently named Amanda Uglycrotch,” Senator Shitonface said. “You can imagine, she gets it pretty bad at school, too. She came to me out of desperation, looking for help, after attempting to get her name officially changed by going through the proper channels as they currently exist. She so desperately wants this bill passed. I can honestly say, after getting to know her, I want it almost as desperately myself. This girl shouldn’t have to deal with the thought that her crotch might be ugly every time she hears her name spoken, just as my son should not have to endure the thought that there is feces on his face, when there is not.”
The senate’s vote on the bill could come as early as Friday. Senator Shitonface, who said he hopes to get at least ten Republicans to cross the aisle and vote with him on the bill, was later seen lunching with friend Glen Hugeass.