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Senator Refuses to Attend Scary Nighttime Sessions (Video)

Washington – Fearing for his safety, Senator Horris A. Harvey, Republican of Pennsylvania, said today he would not be attending proposed nighttime Congressional sessions aimed at reconciling the House and Senate versions of the economic stimulus package. Senator Harvey is a member of the Senate Appropriations Committee, and would therefore be expected to attend the sessions.

But, though the senator says he is not unaware “of the seriousness of the situation we face,” he says he fears for his well-being. He gave a press conference outside the Capitol to explain his decision in no uncertain terms. “I tell you now, I will not be attending these sessions,” the senator declared. “I don’t know if you’ve seen Robert Byrd lately, but he is scary enough during the daytime.”

Senator Harvey also declared his opposition to the proposed package, saying part of the reason he is refusing to attend the nighttime sessions is due to the bill being so misguided. “I refuse to put my life in danger to negotiate something as wrongheaded as this bill,” he said. “This bill is not stimulus. It is the opposite of stimulus. It is un-stimulus. It is un-stimulating. It is the most un-stimulating thing I have seen since someone gave me a Rosie O’Donnell calendar some time ago, which was very un-stimulating.”

Senator Harvey explained that he is fearful to be in the Capitol at night with men such as John McCain, who he finds frightening. “I respect the Senator from Arizona greatly,” he explained. “But John McCain is the man I use to scare the bejesus out of my kids. ‘Oh, you won’t do your homework? Well, how about I invite Senator McCain over for some coffee and desert?’ ‘No! No, Daddy. Not Senator McCain! We’ll do our homework! We’ll do our homework! No, Daddy! Not Senator McCain! When he smiles, Daddy. Oh, when he smiles!’ Works every time.”

“Perhaps you see,” the senator concluded, “why I wouldn’t want to be in a darkened hallway alone with John McCain, in the middle of the night, with only Harry Reid to protect me.”