Press "Enter" to skip to content

Rumsfeld Preemptively Attacks Spider in Garage

St. Michaels, MD – Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld preemptively attacked and killed a spider in the garage of his home here in St. Michaels, Maryland. Rumsfeld shouted, “I’ll see you in Hell,” then crushed the spider with a workboot.

“I mean, it’s a no-brainer to me, frankly,” Rumsfeld said outside his garage, still tightly gripping the workboot. “Do I wait for this–this insect, this venomous, dangerous, unfeeling animal, to attack me, in my home? In my home? With my wife sleeping innocently, unaware of the gathering threat just feet away, in our garage? Or do I take action? Do I say, ‘No, I won’t wait to be attacked, cowering in fear. I will make the first move. I will take action.’ Well, geezy peezy, I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s just a no-brainer.”

It was later determined, after forensic examination of the workboot and the spider’s carcass, that the spider was in fact a baby, and was not at all poisonous. When asked about this determination, Rumsfeld said, “Oh, so what am I supposed to do now, cry for the wittle baby spider? Oh, boo-flipping-hoo. Perhaps you didn’t notice, but that thing could have poisoned me. Any time I have a choice between me and my wife and a baby spider, I’m choosing me and my wife. I’ll kill 50 more of those bastards right now, if I have to. In fact, move your foot. Watch out. I’ll see you in Hell!”