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Romney Vows Continued Handsomeness

Burbank, CA – Arriving at the Burbank Airport ahead of tonight’s Republican debate at the Ronald Reagan Library, Mitt Romney told reporters that voters can rely on him, “To be unwavering in my handsomeness. They can bank on that. I will be a handsome man for them when I take office, and every day after that in which I serve at their pleasure. Unless there’s some horrific disfiguring accident of some sort. Then we’ll see where we are at that point.”

Romney is seen as weaker than chief rival John McCain (R-AZ) on issues of national security. Today he tried to dispel that notion, focusing on his handsomeness as an asset in the fight against terrorism.

“You know, let’s say you’re a jihadist, an Islamofascist terrorist or what have you,” Romney said. “And you come up against me, in a field. Or, no, I guess it would be in the sand. You come up to me in the sand, and we’re face to face, and you’re about to do your jihad thing, blow yourself up or whatever it might be. I think it’s very likely you’ll stop, and you’ll say, ‘My goodness, that man is handsome.’ And while you’re saying that, and staring, I diffuse the bomb, or I tackle you–I guess without making you explode, and thereby making me explode as well–and I win. And I succeed in protecting the country. Why? Because of the incredible handsomeness. You see?

“Now, ask yourself, does John McCain receive that same reaction from the terrorist? Or does the terrorist say, ‘Oh. Old, strange-looking, balding man. No problem. No need to stop. Nothing out of the ordinary, like startling handsomeness.’ And he pulls the pin, or whatever it is, and, Boom. And the country is in danger. Or whoever’s there in the sand is in danger. I guess that would be Senator McCain in this case, though I don’t fully understand how he got out in the sand all by himself. It’s confusing. But what I know is that I’m awfully handsome, and I will continue to be that for the American people.”