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Republicans Warn of Giant Government Attacking Populace with Contraceptives

Washington – House Republicans today warned the people of Washington, D.C. that they are at risk of attack from “a gigantic government wielding several types of contraceptives.” House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio held a press conference this afternoon to issue the warning.

“Today my Republican colleagues in the House of Representatives and I have learned of a grave threat to the people of this great city,” Boehner said in prepared remarks. “There is, at this moment, a gigantic government loose somewhere in Washington. This government is unwieldy, it is unpredictable, and it is armed with thousands of contraceptives.”

The gigantic government’s sighting has not been confirmed by any law enforcement agency, according to a law enforcement official with knowledge of the matter, who chose to speak on condition of anonymity. However, the official said, people should remain vigilant. “Just because we haven’t been able to confirm it doesn’t mean it isn’t there,” he cautioned. “If Congressman Boehner and others in the House of Representatives say they’ve seen a giant government threatening people with contraceptives, I have no reason to doubt them. So my advice would be for people to stay on alert, and maybe not go out tonight, if it’s at all avoidable.”

Mr. Boehner said he knows what he saw, and it amounts to one of his worst nightmares brought frighteningly to life. “I always knew that if we let Democrats control too much of this government again, what we would have is a huge, monstrous government that wanted nothing more than to shove condoms down our throats. And here I am, seeing myself proven right. Let me tell you, I wish I were wrong. Oh, how I wish I were wrong.” He said the gigantic government has “condoms where its fingers should be and diaphragms for eyes,” and that it was almost impossible to describe the creature in words. “Let me just say that I’ve seen this thing, ladies and gentlemen, and it is hideous.”