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Report: Jesus Christ, A Lot of People Want to Kill Us

Washington – A report released today by the National Intelligence Estimation Committee of Oversight of Intelligence Estimation claims that more people than previously thought want, “All Americans wiped off the face of the Earth. Even Native Americans.”

The report cited the continued threat of Al Qaeda, both Al Qaeda Classic, the type which attacked the United States on September 11, 2001, and New Al Qaeda, or Al Qaeda in Iraq, a risky experiment by Al Qaeda to try to grow its brand worldwide.

But in addition to Al Qaeda, the report cites a growing threat from termites, bees, and very wealthy U.S. citizens inflicted with TB. All in all, the report paints a grim picture of America’s safety. White House spokesman Tony Snow said, “The report shows that people should be scared to death. Just scared as hell, all the time. And who are you going to trust to protect you? Nancy Pelosi? Harry Reid? A third grader could beat up Harry Reid. A weak third grader. One of the ones I used to pick on, and poke and take their lunch money. Ah, those were the days, I tell you. Anyway, what were we talking about?”

“This report is proof of what I have said all along,” President Bush said from the White House lawn. “Al Qaeda must be fought there so that they don’t come here. And when they do come here, we’ll know that we already fought them over there. So they’ll be awfully tired. It’s part of my multi-pronged plan for success. We’re still in the first prong.”