Categories
National

Bush Does Math in Press Conference; Universe Implodes

Washington – The universe suddenly imploded this morning when President Bush attempted to use addition to prove the validity of his private investment plan for Social Security.

At approximately 10:50 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, the president began a sentence with the phrase, “As dictated by just math.” An intergalactic shift immediately occurred. When the president continued, apparently unaware of the shift, he asked a reporter how old his child was, in order to prove that the child would be without Social Security by the time the child reached retirement age. That appears to be the precise moment the universe became violently compresses, according to experts.

“The president was trying to figure out what year it would be when a 14-year-old child reached retirement age,” said Anthony Rice of the Nicholo Foundation for Cosmic Research. “That’s–That’s when the real trouble began.”

Apparently, the universe couldn’t handle the president attempting addition. In essence, it swallowed itself, leaving nothing but blackness. Fortunately, AOL/Time Warner, Inc. had previously purchased rights to the universe, and threatened to sue for breach of contract if it disappeared. It quickly came back, and order was restored.

The press conference continued on as usual, with the president and several reporters seemingly unaware of what had happened.

Bush Does Math in Press Conference; Universe Implodes

Categories
Politics

Rice Searches Between Seat Cushions for Integrity

Washington – Secretary of State nominee Condoleezza Rice was en route to her own Senate confirmation hearing when she realized she didn’t have something. “I looked around me, and it was one of those, ‘Oh, gosh, where is it’ moments,” Rice said, following the conclusion of the first day of hearings. “I checked my purse, my laptop bag, everything, but my integrity was nowhere to be found.”

Asked when she remembered having her integrity last, Rice said she can clearly remember having it when she left the house March 20, 2003, the day the United States began its invasion of Iraq. “I definitely had it that day because I remember the president asking me what it was. He had never seen anything like it before. After that… Gosh, I can’t say I remember having it at all. I guess I’ve just done without it this whole time.”

The White House won’t rule out foul play, as sitting Secretary of State Colin Powell’s integrity has gone missing as well, though he seems to have lost his earlier. Powell says he remembers last having his integrity when he went to sleep February 4, 2003, the night before his testimony to the U.N. regarding the justification of the military invasion of Iraq.

Categories
National

Joan Baez, Santana, CSN to Play Inaugural Love-Fest

Washington – Not since 1969 has such a spirit of openness been present in American society. Reflecting that spirit, several legendary performers will delight fans and protesters at the Inaugural of Love, a free concert to usher in President Bush’s second term, already being dubbed, “The Winter of Love.”

Santana, Joan Baez, Crosby, Stills & Nash and Richie Havens are just a few of the artists expected to make an appearance. Plans to include Indian music legend Ravi Shankar have hit a snag, however. Shankar left his native India a week ago, but was stopped at an airport checkpoint. He has not been seen or heard from since.

“We’re hopeful we’ll locate him,” Carlos Santana said. “I mean, there’s such a feeling of love and hope right n ow, they might even let him go, even with him being Indian. Who knows, you know?”

Protesters who had been planning to turn their backs on the president now say they experienced a collective epiphany upon arriving in Washington and instantly absorbing the loving spirit. They now plan to face front during the ceremony.

“I think we’ve just realized the error of our ways,” Stephanie Smith a protester who had been planning to turn her back, said. “This president is all about love. I don’t know what we were thinking before.”

For his part, the president is delighted that such artists will be performing for his second inauguration. “I’m just as pleased as punch. And I know Rehnquist loves CSN, so let’ s hope he lives until the ceremony.”

Categories
Business/Economy

Wal-Mart Employees Breathe Freely, Often Move at Will

Little Rock, Arkansas – Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. chief executive Lee Scott is out to bolster the image of the gigantic company, having launched a series of print ads intended to point up positive attributes of the chain.

“There are lots of positives. Restrooms, for example,” Scott said, speaking by phone. “We offer air, water, the freedom to walk around on Fridays. We want to get that truth out there, and repair this falsely tarnished image.”

John Herckmen, a former Wal-Mart employee, was run over and killed in the parking lot outside the Birmingham, Alabama store he stocked shelves in. He was then told to go back to work. When he did not return, he was fired for poor performance.

But Annie McClusky, who shops at the Birmingham store, said the incidence doesn’t mean she should have to pay high prices. “I mean, I like my cheese-nips, and I’m sorry a man died and all, but I’m saving 50 cents every damn time. I mean, come on here.”

Wal-Mart Employees Breathe Freely, Often Move at Will

Categories
National

Brave President Boldly Confronts Class-Action Lawsuits, Saves Country

Clinton Township, Michigan – President Bush spoke at a performing arts center here in Clinton Township today to shine a light on the growing plague threatening the very heart of our society and shared way of life: asbestos litigation.

Leaving behind secondary concerns like the war in Iraq and a struggling economy, the president boldly stated that stopping class-action lawsuits is now his top priority. “This is a terrible, imminent threat,” the president, who decided to tear down the arts center after speaking in it, said. “I mean, I know I’ll feel much safer when these frivolous litigators are brought to justice. They mean to disable and dismantle and dis…able the very fabric of our great society. And that is that big companies don’t pay ordinary people huge amounts of money.”