Categories
Politics

Cheney Injures Larynx Laughing Diabolically

Washington-Vice President Dick Cheney was treated for injuries to his larynx and stomach muscles last night, after laughing diabolically at President Bush’s proposed budget and the response to it.

“Vice President Cheney should make a full recovery, and was doing well when I left him last night,” said a White House medical technician who preferred to remain nameless. “The budget just seemed to touch a nerve. I think the realization of the unabashed abuse of the poor–I think that’s what really got him.”

Reports surfaced in the early morning hours about Cheney being unable to cease his own laughter even hours after being given medical attention, and muttering, “He cut it all… He cut it all… My glorious apprentice cut it all…” The reports were roundly denied by White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

“That is untrue to the point of being libelous,” McClellan bellowed during a briefing about Cheney’s condition. “You liberal media people… Well, let’s just say I’m glad we know who you are.”

In a related story, a White House beat reporter for the Peeksbury Times has been reported missing. This newspaper loves the Bush administration and everything it stands for.

Cheney satire

Categories
National

The Union Is Bitchin’

WASHINGTON – President Bush’s State of the Union speech tonight drove home one basic fact: this Union is fucking awesome.

The president noted that under his leadership we as a nation have spread freedom and democracy, saved many parts of the world from tyranny and oppression, increased jobs by the millions, and improved the level of education in the country, among many other things. As if that weren’t enough, he even proposed an obviously logical and ingenious solution to the imminent, bone-chilling Social Security crisis, and urged congressional action on the twin scourges of asbestos litigation and the possibility of gay people marrying.

The president received several standing ovations, and was forced to pause many times due to applause and cheers. The reaction was proof of the speech’s grace and eloquence, not to mention its factual accuracy and utter lack of empty rhetoric and false promises.

Jane Parsons watched the speech from her home in Allentown, Pennsylvania. She said, “When the president talks about ‘freedom from fear,’ I mean, I just get all shaken up. Just, I think, the specificity of it. The fact that I see a real plan under there.”

bush state of the union

Categories
World

Bush to Increase Money for War Dead, War Dead

Washington – President Bush announced a bold attempt to pull off a difficult political maneuver today, saying he wants to increase the financial retribution package given to families of war dead from $12,420 to $100,000 while also increasing the number of people killed in the war to over 500,000 by roughly this time next year.

“First, successful elections in Iraq, now I’ve found a way to increase both payment to the families who lose loved ones in the war and the number of total loved ones lost at the same time,” the president said while addressing the press on the White House lawn. “I mean, you know, I’ve always said I’ll tackle the tough ones. And I have. Some people said this couldn’t be done.”

In addition to the jump in payment — the so-called “death gratuity” — families can claim up to $400,000 in life insurance. According to experts, the $12420 gratuity payment was enough to take one child to the dentist twice.

The president acknowledged he’ll need a faster rate of death from Iraqis to reach the 500,000 mark, as it is well over double the current estimate of 140,000 dead Iraqis, but said he had the utmost confidence they would pull through.

Bush to Increase Money for War Dead, War Dead

Categories
Politics

Democrats Hunt for Balls

New York – Democrats, meeting here Saturday for a fifth and final regional caucus to decide who might head their party, were forced to face a harsh reality: they have no balls.

“I think it’s safe to say we’re lacking in testicles,” said former presidential candidate John Kerry, appearing on Meet The Press Sunday. “I mean, I think I have them. Some days I’m almost sure. But then… Gosh, I just can’t say for certain. And most of the rest of these people? Forget it. Nothing down there.”

Senator Barbara Boxer of California, recently confirmed as having balls, strongly resisted the implication that she may be gloating about having something her other party members do not. “I don’t go around flaunting my balls,” Boxer said by telephone. “I speak my mind. If that makes it obvious that I have balls, then so be it.”

On the other end of the spectrum, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman pointed out that in his case, it’s not a matter of his choosing not to have balls. “You have to understand, I have a medical condition,” Lieberman said. “I am physically unable to support balls. It’s just something I cannot do. Now, Barbara Boxer doesn’t have that problem, I say that’s wonderful for her. But why disparage those of us who simply are medically disadvantaged?”

No matter what the reasons, Democrats hope to turn around the problem soon, well in advance of putting up a viable candidate for the 2008 presidential elections. “Whoever it is,” former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, the front-runner for party chair, said, “They better have at least one boy down there.”

Democrats Hunt for Balls

Categories
World

Administration Confidence in Awe, Shock Still High

Washington – The Bush administration isn’t ready to give up on the nouns “awe” and “shock,” even while admitting the words have not lived up to initial administration expectations.

With elections in Iraq just a day away, a new poll of administration officials finds confidence in the nouns holding steady at a robust 88%. The findings reflect a 12% dip in confidence since March of 2003, when confidence in the words was at 100% going into the war with Iraq.

When asked if Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who first relied on the words to describe the coming display or American military prowess, might go out on a limb and use the versatile “shock” as a verb anytime in the near future, White House spokesman Scott McClellan bristled. “Now that is just a typical liberal media question,” he snapped, ending the press briefing.