Press "Enter" to skip to content

Oh, I’m Sorry, Mr. Obama, I Didn’t Realize You Were Running For President of Germany

by Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey

I realized recently that I’ve been wrong all this time. Here I thought Barack Obama was running for President of the United States. Turns out he’s running for President of Germany. At least that’s how it appears, judging by his “everyone look at me” festival of last week. His ego took a trip around the world, and all the people came to see.

The “highpoint” was when Mr. Obama went to Berlin, where he spoke in front of a crowd of 200,000 screaming Germans. He said nothing of consequence, as usual, just that he’ll “change” everything. But the Germans wet themselves all over their Bratwurst. They went ape-shit. They loved him. They screamed and cheered and made love to themselves. Vagueness is very exciting.

Well, Mr. Obama, all this love would be great except for one thing: You were in Germany. And the last I checked, Germans don’t get to vote in a United States presidential election. (At least not yet, anyway. We’ll see what happens if you get elected.) Did you really think the best thing for you to do right now was to go to Germany so you could receive all this sausage-laced love and affection? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think there’s some stuff to do at home. Gas is five thousand dollars a gallon. The dollar’s worth a little bit more than a handful of Cheez-Its. The economy in general’s about as good as it was when your lib-lab buddy Jimmy Carter was in office. So why was receiving the adulation of all those screaming Berliners so important right now? I know you’ve lived in, like, 40 countries in your life, but couldn’t you at least pretend to like America? Furthermore, have you even thought about why these other countries, like Germany, might love you?

I have. I’ve thought about it a lot, actually. And to my eyes, the answer’s as clear as the nose on Chancellor Merkel’s face. Germany didn’t like our invasion of Iraq. They joined your other favorite country, France, in urging us not to invade. But you know what? They encountered a president with a little thing called conviction. We didn’t give in to their demands. We invaded anyway. Because we love freedom. Because, unlike them, we don’t build walls in the middle of our country separating one half from the other. (Note that this is completely different than a wall around the country, which I am completely in favor of.) So let’s look at this from their point of view. Who would they rather have in the White House? Another man with conviction, a man who survived a Vietnamese prison camp, a man with principles who may very well stand up to their demands during his time in office? Or a touchy-feely lib-lab who’ll do everything they tell him to do? I think it’s pretty clear. When you ask if there’s anything the Germans would like better than you as president, the answer is: Nein.

The Germans love you, Mr. Obama. That’s fantastic for you. You know what else they loved, not too long ago? The Gestapo. So good luck with them. They have great judgment.