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New DOJ Memo Gives Bush Authority to Torture Harry Reid

Washington – A legal memo written by Steven Bradbury, Acting Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Legal Counsel at the Department of Justice, appears to grant President Bush authority to torture Senate majority leader Harry Reid in several ways. The methods of torture can include, but are not limited to, “waterboarding, hitting with metal chairs, smacking, and hanging the naked subject upside down by his toes while insulting the size of his genitalia.”

In the memo, Bradbury writes, “As commander in chief, the president has the authority to use whatever means he deems necessary to combat inappropriate and unnecessary questioning or dissension from the likes of Congress, especially from the likes of a congressman as weaselly as Harry Reid.” Bradley went on to draw justification from what it called “commonly understood realities” of the world we live in today. He also said, “Senator Reid may have thought that skinny geeks like him stop being tortured and picked on when they reach adulthood. He may have been even more assured of that opinion when he became a U.S. senator. This memo serves to disabuse him of that notion. Senator Reid will always be the skinny kid getting pushed against the lockers after gym class, and President Bush will always be the one doing the pushing. It’s high time Senator Reid got used to that reality once again.”

Asked about the memo at the White House, President Bush said, “Well, I think it’s necessary and I applaud the Department of Justice for recognizing that fact. And I’m excited. I really am. This water—what is it? Waterboarding? Yeah. That sounds fun. I’ve been wanting to try that. I’m thinking of calling Rumsfeld to come down and help. And maybe Gonzales. They were a big part of it, the waterboarding, so they should get a try too. Hopefully Senator Reid won’t drown before we all get a turn.”

For his part, a wide-eyed and clearly shaken-up Reid said he thought the memo was “disgraceful and abhorrent,” but was more concerned with pointing out to the press that the memo’s existence was highly unusual. “Uh, is anyone as horrified as I am?” Reid asked reporters on the steps of the Capitol. “I-I’m not sensing a recognition of how insane this is. I am a United States Senator and the Senate majority leader. The Department of Justice has authorized the president to torture me. Hello? Can I get some shock? Some gasping, maybe? Some kind of show of how insane this is? Hello? Is this thing on–”

Reid was quickly whisked away by officers from the Department of Homeland Security to an undisclosed location. “I’m Harry Reid!” he shouted as he was pulled toward a waiting van. “I’m Harry Reid, for the love of God!”