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Nation Shocked Man who Imitates Ducks For Living Not Enlightened about Sexuality and Race

New York, NY – The A&E network has suspended ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson “indefinitely” over comments he made to GQ magazine about homosexuals and blacks. The nation, meanwhile, is shocked that a man who is a professional imitator of ducks doesn’t appear to have enlightened views on sexuality and race.

“I can’t believe it,” said Pamela Atheson of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, an avowed fan of the number one rated nonfiction show in the history of television. “These guys are sophisticated and world-wise, and I expect them to have mature views on things like gay rights and race relations. I guess I was wrong.”

Other fans of the show have leapt to Robertson’s defense. A website called has amassed 22,000 signatures of people objecting to his suspension. Supporters include Sarah Palin, who said, on her Facebook page, “Free speech is an endangered species,” and Glenn Beck, who offered Robertson a show on his network, the Blaze.

As for A&E themselves, the network released a statement which said, “”We are extremely disappointed to have read Phil Robertson’s comments in GQ, which are based on his own personal beliefs and are not reflected in the series ‘Duck Dynasty.’ His personal views in no way reflect those of A+E Networks, who have always been strong supporters and champions of the LGBT community. The network has placed Phil under hiatus from filming indefinitely.”

And many fans are simply flabbergasted, still recovering from their shock.

“There was an episode where Phil analyzed the work of Proust, but in a larger, historical and social context, and I just learned so much from that,” said Rick Panschonti of Montclair, New Jersey. “So, yes, these comments shocked me, and yes, I’m disappointed.”