Local Priest Spreads Word of God, Syphilis
Branksburg, OH – Local priest Jonathan Goodell has not only spread the Word of God to this small, tight-knit community; he has also spread syphilis to the dozens of children he has molested.
“Well, at least if they’re going to get the sores and everything, they get the Word of Our Lord along with that,” Goodell said on his way to the Branksburg County prison. Goodell was expected to be arraigned this afternoon on several charges of child molestation, and several other charges that have not been disclosed.
Local residents are upset, but are trying to forgive the accused priest, as they say Jesus would have done. “My son Timmy was molested by that man,” Marjorie Abramson said. “So, yeah, I’m angry, you know. Timmy has sores all over his mouth. But I just told him, ‘Timmy, if Jesus got sores from having forced oral sex with a priest, what would he do?’ And Timmy said, ‘Come back from the Dead?’ And I said, ‘No, Timmy. Different Jesus story. But close. He would forgive.'”