Press "Enter" to skip to content

Sources: Grassley May Be Biased Against Public Health Plan Because He’s Already Dead

Washington – Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa, the ranking Republican on the all-important Senate Finance Committee, could be unfairly biased against the inclusion of a public option in health care reform legislation because he is already dead, according to two former congressional aides. The aides both requested anonymity because they did not want to anger Senator Grassley.

“It was 2006 when we first suspected he might be dead,” one former aide said. “February of 2006. He suddenly took on a kind of ghostly pallor, and never ate anything. I accidentally touched his arm once when reaching for some papers and it was cold. Ice cold.”

The aides say they believe Mr. Grassley may be unable to relate to the needs most Americans have for health care coverage because he doesn’t need any health coverage himself.

“It may a type of bias on his part, I think, because he’s probably dead,” the aide said. “He doesn’t understand the perspective of living people, and I almost got the feeling he held it against them that they need medical attention.”

A second aide concurred. “I mean, even before, he got the government-supplied health care because he was a member of Congress, so it might have been hard to relate to the average person even then. But now, what does he care how much a doctor’s visit costs? He’s not going to a doctor. Ever.”

Reached in his Washington office, Mr. Grassley would not confirm or deny that he is currently alive.

“The important thing for the American people and for my constituents to know is that I am serving their interests as a United States senator to the best of my ability,” he said. “Alive or dead doesn’t make a difference.”