San Francisco, CA – Across California, dozens of same-sex couples took vows and married today, then immediately prepared for the invasion of straight couples’ homes. “Our mission is upon us, my people, at long last,” said the United Gay Army’s leader, Nathan T. Burke, to a crowd of screaming homosexuals. “Finally, after so much dreaming, our day has come. It is time to ruin all straight marriages!”
The United Gay Army plans to invade the homes of as many straight couples as they can, and wreak havoc, thereby doing permanent damage to the marriage of each straight couple. Mr. Burke, who today married his partner of over two decades, said the invasion was set to begin shortly after the last wedding reception ended in the San Francisco area, at approximately 1:00 AM Pacific Standard Time. “Some people are criticizing us for waiting until after the receptions have ended to start the invasion,” Mr. Burke pointed out. “They want us to get down to the ruination as soon as we can. But I’ve waited 23 years for this day. I can certainly wait a few more hours. I mean, I should at least get a conga line or two, for Christ’s sake. And, trust me, there’ll be plenty of time to invade afterwards. The straight people aren’t going anywhere. They’re all tucked under their tacky covers, in their sexually tense beds, waiting desperately for the morning light to break through the window.”
But as Mr. Burke and other members of the United Gay Army are aware, the June 15th ruling which allowed same-sex marriages to go forward in the state faces an uncertain future and a large collection of impassioned foes. “Yes, we’re aware there are many people and groups who are unhappy with this ruling,” Mr. Burke said. “Which is why, though we’re not rushing into things, we’re not dragging our feet, either. By tomorrow morning, many, many straight marriages will be ruined. I mean, even more than are ruined now. If that’s possible.”
