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Fred Thompson Admits He Died Several Months Ago

McLean, VA – Former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson ended his presidential campaign today, then admitted to reporters that he actually died several months ago, and had been, “going through the motions” ever since. “I figured one of you guys would notice,” Thompson said, standing outside his Virginia home, which he had just returned to after leaving the Florida campaign trail. “I mean, why did you think I sounded so… so dead? I mean, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist. It’s because I was dead.”

Thompson said his death came just prior to his announcement in September that he was entering the presidential race. “I don’t remember the exact date. But it was before I announced,” Thompson said. “Then it was like, ‘Now what?’ But there had been so much momentum built up. I just didn’t want to let everybody down. So I put on some makeup and went on the trail. A lot of makeup.”

Thompson’s speeches were less than thrilling, used at times by parents to put children to sleep. About his perceived lack of energy and effort on the campaign trail, he says, “Yeah, everyone said, you know, ‘Wow, why doesn’t he campaign harder, blah blah.’ ‘Why do you only go around for ten or fifteen minutes at a time?’ Well, now you know why. I was dead. Of course I stopped after ten or fifteen minutes. You would too, if you were decomposing.”

Asked if he plans to endorse any of the remaining Republican candidates, Thompson said he doubted that he would. “I have no plans to do that. But I wish them all well. They’re all capable, competent, living men.”