Washington – President Bush today signed a bill which folds the Department of Education into the Department of Defense. The bill, called “Protection Over Knowledge Every Time,” was passed quickly by both the House and the Senate in recent days. Republicans in Congress were almost unanimous in their support for the bill, while Democrats voted for it in large numbers because they were scared of being seen as weak on issues of national security. They are also scared of being called really mean names by big, mean bullies.
President Bush spoke to reporters as he signed the bill. “I’m glad the Congress saw the importance of this bill, and passed it in such quick fashion,” Bush said. “We are at a time in our history where children’s value comes not in their potential to learn but in their potential for lending a hand in the War on Terror. We need their help, and I have no doubt they’ll step up and answer the call. Kids love America. They love pizza, and ice cream, too. And so do I, by the way. What was I saying?”
Mr. Bush went on to say that he does value education, but that extreme times require extreme measures. “I love education,” Bush said. “And I think kids should be educated. And I think this country, ideally, would have a department dedicated solely to education. I’d love to see that, someday. And that’s what this country is all about. Dreaming about those kinds of things. But we’re at war. With terror. And terror doesn’t take a day off from terror to go to school. And if they do, it’s Terror School. Or University of Terror. So we need to have a University of Fighting the Terror. And we will. Except it will be run by the Defense Department. And it will be called The Army.”
All funding for the Department of Education will be absorbed by the Department of Defense and added to their budget as seen fit by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and other Defense Department officials. “It’s just time,” said Gates, referring to the change. “I mean, something drags along for so long, eventually you have to put it to rest. And this thing, this Education Department, was just a non-starter. So hopefully we’ll take the funds, and we’ll take the kids, and we’ll put them to good, constructive use, protecting this country from the ever-present threat of terrorism. Algebra can wait. Jihad can’t.”
“Look, if something is supercilious, it has to go,” Bush added. “When it’s unnecessary, why spend the money and the resources to keep it going? It just doesn’t make any sense. Like our sixth toe or whatever it was we had. God looked at it and said, ‘Oh, they don’t need that. I’ll take that away.’ And, Zap! It was gone. And now we have five. Toes. And fingers, too. And each one of them is useful. None of them is supercilious. Not a one.”
An Associated Press reporter said, “I think maybe you mean ‘superfluous.'”
“What’s that now?” Bush asked.
“You said, ‘supercilious,’ but I think you meant, ‘superfluous,'” the reporter said. “Something that’s unnecessary.”
“Well, you know, now I’m kind of second-guessing the bill,” Bush said, chuckling. “‘Cause we have to get you some schooling.”