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Democrats Hunt for Balls

New York – Democrats, meeting here Saturday for a fifth and final regional caucus to decide who might head their party, were forced to face a harsh reality: they have no balls.

“I think it’s safe to say we’re lacking in testicles,” said former presidential candidate John Kerry, appearing on Meet The Press Sunday. “I mean, I think I have them. Some days I’m almost sure. But then… Gosh, I just can’t say for certain. And most of the rest of these people? Forget it. Nothing down there.”

Senator Barbara Boxer of California, recently confirmed as having balls, strongly resisted the implication that she may be gloating about having something her other party members do not. “I don’t go around flaunting my balls,” Boxer said by telephone. “I speak my mind. If that makes it obvious that I have balls, then so be it.”

On the other end of the spectrum, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman pointed out that in his case, it’s not a matter of his choosing not to have balls. “You have to understand, I have a medical condition,” Lieberman said. “I am physically unable to support balls. It’s just something I cannot do. Now, Barbara Boxer doesn’t have that problem, I say that’s wonderful for her. But why disparage those of us who simply are medically disadvantaged?”

No matter what the reasons, Democrats hope to turn around the problem soon, well in advance of putting up a viable candidate for the 2008 presidential elections. “Whoever it is,” former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, the front-runner for party chair, said, “They better have at least one boy down there.”

Democrats Hunt for Balls