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DeLay Solders Church and State Together in Midnight Ceremony

WOODED AREA OUTSIDE WASHINGTON, D.C . – Any traces of a meeting in these woods last night, allegedly held to commemorate the coming official uniting of church and state, were apparently wiped away before daybreak. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R – TX) had little to say about the alleged meeting and any relation it might have to the “Finally United” bill he brought before the Senate today (the bill passed in the Senate, and is expected to be taken up and passed in the House as well). But residents in nearby homes say something definitely went on in the woods last night, and many see a connection between it and the House Majority Leader’s bill.

“I heard chanting, and I saw lanterns and what looked like a group of mostly pasty-white, round men,” said Maureen Conlin, owner of a small house just outside the perimeter of the woods. “The chanting was something like, ‘Be apart, be apart, be apart no more. The state and the church are one forever more.’ Something like that.”

Other residents reported similar occurrences. “Yeah, they had what looked like little tools, soldering irons or whatnot,” Clarence Amos, another nearby resident said. “And they had a metal Bible and a metal Constitution, and they just fused them right together. Soldered them, I guess, or welded them or whatever. Then they danced around and ate a deer they had paid a foreign hunter $2.00 an hour to hunt and kill.”

DeLay would neither confirm nor deny the late-night meeting when asked about it several times this morning. But the story took on new life when a parking attendant, Andy Brill, came forward to say he had spotted what looked like a soldering mask and muddy boots in the back seat of DeLay’s car. Brill has not been seen or heard from since coming forward with his allegation. In a possibly related story, the House is expected later today to propose legislation to alter homicide law so it no longer applies to parking attendants.

tom delay