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Clinton: You’ll Have to Kill Me

Coral Gables, Florida – On Wednesday, Presidential Hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton erased any doubts about whether she would stay in the race for the Democratic nomination as long as she possibly can. “Some people, they want me out of this thing,” Clinton said to a large crowd during a morning appearance. The crowd responded with boos and hisses. “Well, if they want me out, you know what they’re going to have to do? You know what they’re going to have to do? They’re going to have to kill me.” The crowd grew silent. “Yeah, that’s right. That’s what I said. They’re going to have to kill me. You want me gone, tough guys? Fine. But there’s just this one little thing: You’ll have to take me out.”

Clinton laughed loudly and looked to the ceiling. Several people in the room were seen to start crying. “Lemme tell you something, ladies and gentlemen: While Hillary Clinton is alive, this race never ends!”

Following the appearance, Mrs. Clinton was reportedly seen by a mental health professional. Meanwhile, Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe appeared on several television shows to defend Clinton’s remarks. “Well, look, Senator Clinton is a tough lady,” McAuliffe said. “Which is why she would make a great president. And when she says she’s not leaving this race, she means it. She’s not going to exit voluntarily. In fact, she’s not going to exit vertically, either. Let’s just say, if she exits, she’ll be exiting in more ways than one.”

Senator Barack Obama, Clinton’s chief rival and the undisputed front-runner in the Democratic race, would only say he was “concerned” about Clinton, after learning of her remarks. He said he did not want to go into detail about his reactions because he was frightened and needed to get back into his bed with the covers pulled up high over his head.

Clinton, for her part, did not attempt to back away from her comments in any way. On the contrary, at an appearance later in the day in Tampa, Clinton expanded on what she had said that morning. “You know, I said some things this morning that people found disturbing, apparently,” Clinton told the crowd, to modest cheers. “Well, let me go even further, and be even more ‘disturbing.’ I will stay in this race, even if I’m dead. Huh? How about that? Can Senator Obama match that determination and level of commitment? I think not. I think not.” Worried murmurs and whispers seemed to spread through the crowd of supporters. “This morning I said this race doesn’t end while I’m alive. Well, you know what? Now I’m saying it doesn’t end even if I’m not! Huh?! How about that, Barack Obama?! How about that? If there’s a debate over which one of us wants this more, I think I just cleared that up big time. Big time.”