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Clinton: I’ll Kill Bin Laden With My Bare Hands

Philadelphia, PA – On the eve of the all-important Pennsylvania primary, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton told supporters here that if elected she will, “Not only catch Osama Bin Laden, but then I will kill him, strangle him with my bare hands. And then, once he’s dead, I will break his face open with some kind of instrument, and I will drink his blood to send a message to all the other terrorists out there: you mess with President Hillary Clinton, you get strangled to death and your blood sucked out of a hole where your face used to be.”

Mrs. Clinton’s statement was merely the latest in a series attempting to prove she is stronger on issues of foreign policy than her rival, Senator Barack Obama. She hopes voters will value her experience, and her toughness, which she focused on today.

“Senator Obama may be a fine man,” Mrs. Clinton continued. “But I doubt very much that, if put face-to-face with Osama Bin Laden, he would have the strength of character to do what I would do. Oh, he may punch and slap and that kind of thing. But wussy backhanded smacks aren’t going to be enough in this post-9/11 world. We need toughness, and we need the kind of fearlessness that I will bring to the White House. Would Senator Obama strangle Bin Laden with his bare hands? His delicate, slightly effeminate hands? I don’t know. Would he beat Bin Laden’s head against the ground mercilessly, like I would, until it looked like a…a cooked tomato? And then, would he be able to break open the face, and drink that blood? I don’t know. I just don’t know. With me, you know where I stand. I know how to break a face. I’ve made a lifetime of it. In fact, they once called me ‘Facebreaker,’ because of all the faces I broke. Has Senator Obama ever been called ‘Facebreaker?’ I doubt it. I doubt it very much.”