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Chertoff Warns of Al Qaeda’s Increased Loveliness

Washington – U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said today that new reports indicate Al Qaeda is, “prettier, better-dressed, and just basically more lovely” than they’ve been since the beginning of his tenure.

“I personally have never seen them look this fetching,” Chertoff said, in remarks to the press announcing the findings of the reports. “From what the intelligence is telling us, it seems they’ve taken time within the last year or so to go back to the drawing board, work on themselves, and just make themselves more pleasing to the eye. They now dress better, they have better skin – a nice, healthy tone. A radiance, if you will. It’s very disconcerting.”

michael chertoff

A more attractive Al Qaeda poses a new threat to the United States, Chertoff said, as even if Al Qaeda operatives are apprehended by U.S. intelligence or law enforcement agents, their striking good looks may derail any attempt at further detainment.

Chertoff explained, “We fear that a CIA agent or a law enforcement agent who comes upon one of these Al Qaeda members might be ready to make an arrest, to detain the suspect, but then stop and say, ‘My goodness, what radiant skin that man has. He’s simply glowing.’ And in that time, the Al Qaeda member has hit that agent on the head with something – something large, probably – and the agent is knocked unconscious. It’s those types of scenarios that have us concerned.”

Chertoff said a way of studying the increased prettiness is already being worked on by defense contractor Boeing Corporation.

Chertoff explained, “The proposed instrument would be called a Prettiness Level Determinator, and it would consist of a Human Analyzing Professional, or HAP, reviewing different Observable Visual Representations of human subjects, or OVR’s. The HAP would then record in a Data Generation and Recording Device whether or not he finds the subject pleasing to the eye. Then those results would be given back to DHS for further analysis. The project would likely cost just over $20 million.”

A reporter then asked, “Uh, correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like this could be described as a man in a room looking at pictures. Why does that cost $20 million?”

Chertoff responded, “A man in a room looking at pictures? No. It’s a Human Analyzing Professional sitting in that room. An HAP. Using his expertise in this field to analyze Observable Visual Representations of human subjects.”

“Which are pictures,” the reporter retorted.

“Well, you call them pictures because you don’t understand the technology and aren’t equipped with the expertise that the Human Analyzing Professional has,” Chertoff responded. “They’re Observable Visual Representations of human subjects.”

“And Data Generation and Recording Device,” the reported continued. “What is that?”

“It is a device that is made of several sheets of thin material, bound together, where an Analyzing Professional can reproduce thoughts in ink form for later analysis,” Chertoff responded.

“A notebook?” the reporter asked.

“Okay, we’re done here,” Chertoff said, and ended the press conference.