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Cheney Embarks on Target-Finding Mission

Montreal, Canada – Vice President Cheney began his tour of potential bombing targets in Montreal today, and will then continue with stops in several European cities, sites throughout the Middle East and Asia, and then back to South America, Central America and several U.S. cities which have large percentages of Democratic voters. The trip is said to be “like a fact-finding trip, but for places to bomb.”

“Vice President Cheney began what is sure to be a very full, very pleasant trip to various destinations around the world,” White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said in a briefing for reporters at the White House. “He hopes to discover many potentially exciting targets for future bombings, which were previously unknown to us. For instance, he and his team have already discovered a swath just outside Montreal that would look particularly interesting in flames, especially on television. So this has been a very productive first day.”

Though the U.S. is engaged in long-term military commitments in both Iraq and Afghanistan, Bush administration officials are constantly on the lookout for new and interesting targets for the many bombs and missiles the U.S. has developed. For that reason, Cheney said, he didn’t exclude Iraq or Afghanistan from his search.

“Well, you never know whether there’s a choice spot you may have missed, that you may not have bombed yet,” Cheney said. “So even though we’ve bombed a pretty significant portion of both of those countries, I didn’t want to leave anything to chance, and then reach a point later on where I kick myself and say, ‘Ah, geez. I could have gotten that one.’”

The Vice President acknowledged being under a bit of a time crunch, as he and President Bush have less than a year remaining in their second and final term in office. “We’re going to be in kind of a whirlwind kind of state, you might say,” Cheney admitted. “We’re going to go through, investigate these spots as best we can, and as quickly as we can, and then hopefully we’ll have enough time once we get back to, you know, to bomb one or more of them.”