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Cheney Appoints Special Envoy to Dessert Tray

Washington – Following a dinner at the White House last night, Vice President Dick Cheney appointed 19-year-old Donnie Jansen Special Envoy to the Dessert Tray, and quickly dispatched him to “work out the issue of what to have for dessert.”

“I was honored to be chosen for the position,” Jansen, 19 and formerly a White House intern, said this morning when reached by telephone. “It was a very important assignment, and I hope I didn’t let the Vice President or my country down.”

Vice President Cheney defended his decision to give such a young and relatively inexperienced staffer the title of Special Envoy, a position usually reserved for well-recognized and respected diplomats.


“An envoy is dispatched when there is a conflict,” Cheney said. “And this was most certainly a conflict. There was cherry pie, Mississippi mud pie and apple pie a la mode. Clearly there were going to be disagreements over what I should have out of those three, and I needed someone level-headed and impartial to go in there and work out that conflict quickly and decisively. And Johnny–Donnie did a wonderful job. He’s an American hero, in my opinion.”

When pressed for details regarding the precise decision made, Jansen was hesitant to reveal much information. “In the interest of national security, I probably shouldn’t go into it too much,” Jansen said. “But let’s just say, you know that saying, ‘less is more?’ Well, when it comes to the Vice President, sometimes more is more. And…And in this case, more was definitely more.” Asked if he was implying that the Vice President had more than one dessert, Jansen said, “Well, I don’t want to say, but I can tell you there wasn’t anything left for me. Or anybody else, really.”

Jansen points out that he was immediately stripped of his new title once he returned to the table. He said he was not disappointed, though. “No, no. I’m not bitter or anything. I just look forward to other similar opportunities in the future. You know, maybe fetching extra butter for the Vice President during breakfast or something. Anything my country needs.”