Experts: We Must Urgently Act on Climate Change 20 Years Ago

Washington – Climate experts told the U.S. Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works that the United States and other countries must act urgently and decisively, 20 years ago, to combat the effects of climate change. Doing anything less, they say, will not be enough to stave off disaster.

“The time to tackle this very real, vital issue is now, provided that by ‘now,’ you mean 1994,” said Thomas E. Lovejoy, Senior Fellow at the United Nations Foundation and University Professor in the Environmental Science and Policy department at George Mason University. “We cannot delay any longer. The time to deal with this problem is 20 years ago. The time is then.”

Lovejoy and Stuart E. Eizenstat, partner at Covington & Burling law firm and a senior strategist at APCO Worldwide, both spoke of the mid-nineties being a crucial time to ‘get ahead of a real, growing problem while we still can.’

Lovejoy and Eizenstat both stressed in their statements and testimony that delay is akin to a guarantee of catastrophe when it comes to confronting climate change, which they more often referred to as ‘global warming’ because they chose to use the terminology of 20 years prior, the mid 1990’s.

“20 years ago, we are nearing a new millennium,” Eizenstat said. “We cannot wait any longer to take the steps necessary to confront this problem. The first step in addressing this urgent, all-important problem is to admit that it is an urgent and all-important problem.”

Both men, in fact, repeatedly cited awareness as the first step in combatting the problem. Only when people realize how dire the consequences can be, will they take and demand the actions necessary to thwart climate change. Denial of climate science or the effects of climate change only hinders any progress we might make to keep climate change effects to a minimum, the men said.

“We find ourseves at an opportune moment, 20 years ago,” Lovejoy said. “Fortunately, we are still at a point where prevention of the worst is possible. We must all do our part to make this possibility a reality.”

The experts urged greater limitations on greenhouse gas emissions, stronger regulation of industry and a well-funded, mutli-pronged awareness campaign to make the public aware of the reality of the threat we face.

“Soon, we won’t be able to act 20 years ago anymore,” Eizenstat said. “We do not want to be looking at ourselves in 2014, asking, ‘Why didn’t we do more 20 years ago, when there was still a chance?'”


U.N. Climate Panel: ‘Just Assume You’re All Melting’

Paris – At a press conference following the release of their fifth report on the effects of climate change, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change suggested that people should, “Just assume that you’re melting, currently. That it’s happening right now, that the process has already started.” Doing this is the best way to get a sense of the current state of danger from climate change, the panel’s members said.

“We could sugar coat it, if we wanted to, but the situation is too much of an emergency to do that,” said Rajendra Kumar Pachauri, Chairman of the IPCC. “The best way to keep clear on how serious the climate change situation is, is to imagine parts of yourself already liquified. Maybe a lower arm becoming a viscous kind of substance, and then just falling off at the elbow. Something like that.”

The IPCC has released five reports since 1988, the year of its establishment. Its most recent was also its most dire, warning of, among other things, the potential for oceans to rise as much as three feet by the end of this century.

Speaking of the future, Dr. Pachauri said it looks to be exponentially worse than the present.

“Imagine the worst possible thing you can — the darkest, most awful future you can imagine,” he said. “Then multiply that by a gazillion. That’ll give you an idea of what we’re in for. Actually, maybe double it, too.”


Russian Journalist With Incredible Story about Putin Currently in Trunk of Car

Moscow – Russian journalist Yuri Abdulov has written what he describes as an “incredible expose” on President Vladimir Putin’s ties to organized crime syndicates in Russia and elsewhere. Mr. Abdulov is very proud of the story, and hopes it will be published within the next week. He is currently, however, in the trunk of a large black car, his hands and legs bound with zip-ties and his mouth gagged. He acknowledges that his current predicament might make getting the story out to the public difficult.

“Mm mm mm mm mmph,” Abdulov said, through his gag. “Mmm nn mm, mm mm-mm mm mm mm.”

Mr. Abdulov says he is almost certain the car he is currently trapped in belongs to the Russian government or agents working on behalf of the government. He is familiar with the types of cars government agents typically use, and from the glimpse he got of the car while falling into and out of consciousness, he said it appears to match that type of automobile.

He is not sure how the government might have found out about his story, as he says he only told his editor at the Russian online magazine for which he works,The Daily Russian. It is always possible, he says, that offices or homes were bugged, or agents working for the government found other ways to obtain information about Mr. Abdulov’s article.

“Mm mm mm,” Mr. Abdulov said, shrugging his shoulders. “Mm mm mm.”


Man Pretty Sure Whatever Happening in Ukraine Michelle Obama’s Fault

Washington – As Crimea plans a vote on whether to secede from Ukraine and officially become part of Russia, John Federich of Minneapolis, Minnesota has come to the conclusion that the international crisis is the fault of First Lady Michelle Obama.

Mr. Frederich says that he doesn’t understand the details of what it is that’s happening in Ukraine, but he’s sure the links between the turmoil and the first lady are very clear to anyone who cares to look.

“If you look at how this played out, from the refusal by the Ukrainian government of the money or whatever, offered by Europe? All the way up to today, with the Crimea place wanting to become Russian, all of it can be traced back to Michelle Obama,” Federich says.

Frederich says that if you look at public statements or appearances by Mrs. Obama, they invariably match up to key events in the continuing crisis in Ukraine.

“November 20th,” Frederich says, “Michelle Obama goes on the BET show, ‘106 & Park.’ The day after — now, this is the day afer — the Ukrainian guy rejects the Europeans’ offer of money, which pretty much starts this whole thing. So, that’s point number one.”

Federich, who admits he is an avid FOX News viewer and Rush Limbaugh listener, provided several other links between Mrs. Obama’s public appearances and key events in the Ukraine crisis. For example, he points out that right after Michelle Obama appeared on ‘The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,’ on February 20th, violence erupted in Kiev, and the situation grew much more dire.

“She goes on this show, makes a fool of herself, with Will Ferrell and whoever,” Frederich says, “and then, halfway across the world, violence breaks out and all these people are killed. I don’t see how you can say that’s a coincidence. At least, not with a straight face.”


Snowden Further Embarrasses U.S. by Winning Gold Medal for Russia in Cross-Country Skiing

KRASNAYA POLYANA, RUSSIA – Former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, who leaked a trove of classified documents to media outlets, further embarrassed the United States of America by winning a gold medal in cross-country skiing for Russia, with a time of 1:08:15.4. Marcus Hellner of Sweden won the silver, and Martin Johnsrud Sundby of Norway won the bronze.

“I am happy to win this for Russia, who took me in, in my time of need,” Snowden said. “That’s really all I wish to say at this point.”

Snowden was whisked away shortly after the medal ceremony, escorted by several Russian security vehicles. American Civil Liberties Union attorney Ben Wizner, who is a legal adviser to Snowden, said Snowden wished to be left alone by the media and the fans, though he appreciates their support.

Snowden’s participation in the Sochi Games was kept under wraps, but had been the subject of heated rumor for nearly a week. Once his name was announced as a competitor, chaos erupted as reporters rushed to send their reports to their various news outlets and scrambled their photographers for better shots.

White House officials say they were made aware of Snowden’s participation in the games shortly before 9AM Monday morning, when President Obama received a call from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The Russian leader said he didn’t want to embarrass Obama and the U.S. by having them hear about Snowden’s participation via news reports, according to Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

“Mr. Putin was cordial and said he hoped the participation by Mr. Snowden in the games would not hurt U.S.-Russia relations,” Mr. Carney told the press at an afternoon briefing. “President Obama appreciated the call, but I think it’s safe to say he would have liked to have been informed about this sooner.”

Asked whether the U.S. tracked Snowden back to his location, following the medal ceremony, Carney claimed not to be aware of any such action.

“I’m not aware of us following him or tracking him, no,” Carney said. He then said that issue was closed, and the White House would have no further comment on it.

As for Mr. Putin, he said that while he was concerned about what Snowden’s participation in the games would mean for relations between his country and the U.S., right now he was focused on Mr. Snowden’s victorious performance.

“This is a proud day for Russia, to be certain,” Mr. Putin said. “Edward Snowden has shown himself to be a true hero today. To Mr. Obama, I say, you need better intelligence, no? You didn’t even know this man was a world-class cross-country skier? Maybe hire some new people at your celebrated CIA.”