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Poll: 87% Of Voters Plan To Vomit Into Bush Outside Polling Place After Casting Ballots

According to a Quinnipiac University poll released Monday, more than 87% of Americans who plan to vote in Tuesday’s midterm elections are also planning to vomit into a bush outside their polling station, following successful casting of their ballots.

“These numbers are about in line with what we expected,” said Judd Horenson, an analyst at Outreach Solutions, a political consulting firm. Mr. Horenson is an expert in voter behavior. “Dissatisfaction with the current state of politics, and politicians themselves, is extraordinarily high.”

Horensen said voter apathy is an issue in Tuesday’s election, as it is in most midterm elections. A larger problem, in his opinion, however, is how disgusted those willing to vote are with the options they’re being offered.

“Voters are just nauseated by the idea of having to pick from the various choices they’re being given in this election,” Horenson said. “In many cases, the nausea and stomach upset reach the point where the person feels the need to vomit. In fact, in many cases, they’ll vomit once right outside the polling station, and then again at home, at least one more time.”

Horenson said voters also may suffer a kind of “aftershock” later in the day, if they’re reminded of the vote they cast earlier on.

“If they see a sample ballot on a table, or someone’s ‘I voted’ sticker, they may feel the need to run to the bathroom and vomit again,” he said. “The reminder of what they did earlier that day is just too unsettling for them.”

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Secret Service: We Should Maybe Think About Locking the Doors

Washington – Against a backdrop of media reports which reveal the man who entered the White House earlier this month got further into the official dwelling than was originally reported, Secret Service Director Julia Pierson sent a memo to her staff where she suggested, among other things, “It might be time for us to take a look at locking the White House doors. Just spitballing here.” A copy of the memo was made available to The National Protrusion.

Omar J. Gonzalez, 42, scaled the exterior fence and entered the building through the open North Portico entrance. He was in possession of a knife.

Original reports indicated that Mr. Gonzalez was stopped just inside the North Portico entrance, but officials have now revealed that that Mr. Gonzalez in fact made it all the way through the East Room, after besting a female agent who confronted him when he first entered the building.

Ms. Pierson’s memo does not address the discrepancy in the reports or even the fact that Mr. Gonzalez made it so far inside the White House, but rather that me made it inside at all.

“I’m aware of the going theory,” she writes, “that we wouldn’t have to lock the doors because of the manpower and sheer volume of agents we have on the White House grounds. However, in light of recent events, it seems kind of odd to me that, should someone make it to the doors of the dwelling, they can in fact just open them and go inside.”

The memo continues, “This is something we might want to look at.”

Ms. Pierson also used the memo to remind the men and women under her command of their first duty.

“Let me reiterate at this point that your main objective should be keeping people out of the White House,” she writes. “That may be obvious to some of you, but I thought I would just mention it here, so as to stave off any potential misunderstanding.”

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Politics

Issa to Investigate Whether Obama Used Wrong Fork with Salad

Washington – Representative Darrell Issa of California plans to launch an investigation into whether President Obama used the wrong fork with his salad during dinner at the White House three months ago, Issa told reporters Tuesday. Rep. Issa is chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform committee, and he said he will use the full authority that position grants him to, “get to the truth, no matter where it leads.” He also said it is “extremely likely” there will be public hearings on the issue.

“I hold in my hand a fork,” Issa said during a press conference, holding a fork out in front of him so that the reporters in attendance could clearly make it out. “This is a dinner fork. Not, I repeat not, a salad fork. However, it has come to the attention of the Oversight Committee that President Obama, some three months ago, quite possibly used this fork not only to eat his meal, but also to eat his salad prior to the meal. This is a clear violation of standard etiquette and not an act which befits the President of the United States.”

Rep. Issa has already presided over hearings on everything from the IRS to Benghazi to the Healthcare.gov website, usually with the aim of bringing to light misbehavior or wrongdoing on the part of members of the Obama administration or other government officials. Many have criticized his zeal in bringing investigations and holding hearings that fail to uncover much actual malfeasance. This issue, however, is no false scandal, according to Issa.

“It is the job of this committee to conduct oversight on the federal government, and bring to light bad behavior on the part of government officials, no matter how powerful they are, or what position they hold in this or any other administration,” Issa said. “That must include the president, himself. Otherwise, the idea of oversight is completely pointless. Someone needs to get to the bottom of what happened here, with this fork, and that is what I intend to do.”

Issa was reluctant to provide any details regarding evidence he may possess, preferring to “wait until the investigation has concluded.” He would only say that the incident in which President Obama allegedly used the improper fork occurred during dinner in the White House Dining Room, attended by Mr. Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, and that it happened approximately three months ago.

“The facts will come out, in due time,” Issa said. “And when they do, the truth about what occurred with the fork in question will be out in the open, for all to see. I look forward to that day.”

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Republicans Drop ‘Repeal,’ ‘Replace’ From ‘Repeal and Replace’ Pledge

Washington – The House Republican leadership held a press conference Thursday to announce that the party is dropping both the “repeal” and “replace” portions of their oft-repeated pledge to “repeal and replace” the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare. The phrase now contains only the word, “and.”

“While we are no less opposed to this destructive, highly-flawed piece of legislation, the reality is that repealing the law is all but impossible at this time,” said Eric Cantor of Virgina, the House Majority Leader. “In terms of the ‘replace’ aspect of our promise, to be honest, all we had come up with was the name: ‘Oboehnercare.’ And even on that front, I think you’ll agree, we had our work cut out for us.”

Since the Affordable Care Act was passed in 2010, many Republicans have promised repeatedly to “repeal and replace” it, including the Republican candidate for president in 2012, Mitt Romney. But none of the various alternatives that have been put forward have gained any traction, and in the meantime, the Affordable Care Act appears to have survived its disastrous rollout. The White House recently announced that they had met their goal of getting 7 million Americans enrolled in health care plans through the law, and the more time that has passed, the more of a foothold the Affordable Care Act has gained.

Finally, Cantor said, the party leadership was forced to look each other in the eye and admit the time for repealing and replacing Obamacare had come and gone.

“It is time to focus on more achievable goals,” Cantor said, “like getting a gun into the hands of every American, regardless of their age or mental health status. We can do that, if we work together.”

Finally, Cantor said, conservatives and Republican voters should not lose heart.

“I urge you not to see this as a defeat,” Cantor said. “For what word are we left with? ‘And.’ And isnt’ that perhaps the most open, the most possibility-filled word in all of the English language? So, let me say this to you today, and you can consider it a new Republican call to action, if you like. And, ladies and gentlemen. And.”

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GOP to Unmarried Women: Some of You Godless Sluts Want to Join the Party?

In a video address Wednesday afternoon, designed perhaps as a way to grab some of the spotlight after President Obama’s State of the Union Address dominated the attention of the country’s media, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP has been “grossly misunderstood” when it comes to its views on women and women’s issues. The video appears to be part of a new, aggressive outreach program on the part of Republicans to woo female voters, a contingent they have been woefully unsuccessful at winning over in recent elections.

“We don’t hate women,” Priebus said. “We love women. Women give us babies. And milk. Like cows, but obviously different in many ways. Although, maybe that’s not a bad metaphor to use: an adult cow. Who talks. That’s women. And who loves cows more than this guy? Nobody, my friend, nobody.”

After a week in which former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee took fire for his comments about Democrats assuming women can’t control their libidos, Priebus sought to address a misconception about Republicans on that front as well — the front of women’s bodies.

“It’s been said by critics that we don’t understand the femal body, the reproductive process, so on,” Priebus said. “Let me be the first to tell you, that is completely untrue. I, for one, understand the reproductive process really well. The way it works is: a married man and woman have intercourse, if the man wants to; God touches the woman’s thingamajig; nine months later, a beautiful baby enters the world.”

On the issue of abortion, Priebus did not attempt to deny the Republican Party’s opposition to its legality and practice.

“We don’t object to abortion because we’re anti-woman,” Priebus said. “On the contrary, we’re pro-woman. We’re pro-mother, too. We’re saving her from eternal damnation in the fires of hell if she goes through with this abortion. What could be more pro-mother than that?”

Priebus continued on the subject of abortion.

“We’re not even asking you to take care of the child,” he said. “We’re asking you to bring it to term, have the baby, and then put it up for adoption. You don’t have to think anymore about that child, now that it’s been born. Trust me, we won’t think about it. Ever again.”

Finally, Priebus had some choice words on another hot-button issue of the moment, contraception.

“We’re an open, welcoming party,” he said. “We’re not opposed to you being a member just because you’re a godless slut who sleeps with men who aren’t your husband, and uses various forms of brith control all willy-nilly. We’re here for you. We want to help you mend your ways. You can find God. And a husband. And sometimes, they’re the same person. Yes, that’s right, you, too, can be a nun, if you feel such a calling. If not, we will help you find what’s missing in your life — a man to marry and submit to.”

Preibus ended the address with a simple question.

“How about some of you godless sluts join the party? Hmm?”