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Father Would Give Left Testicle to Not Have to Watch ‘Frozen’ Again

Studio City, CA – Adam Band, a father of two young girls, announced Saturday that he would be willing to give up one of his two testicles, in exchange for never again having to watch the Disney film “Frozen.” Band said the offer began as a joke, but is now real and firm, and will be on the table for 48 hours.

Band’s two daughters, Audrey, 7 and Zoe, 4, are both obsessed with the Disney film, as is seemingly every female child in America, and many male children as well. Band says the girls watch the movie at least once a day, usually right after the family eats dinner, which is only shortly after Adam gets home from his job at a nearby movie studio. (Adam prefers not to name the studio at which he works, but he assures us it isn’t Disney.)

“They come home every day and watch it,” Adam said. “Every day. I love my girls, but that much of anything can make any person start screaming.”

Adam says his wife, Emily, has also seen the film multiple times, but doesn’t seem to be as bothered by it as he is.

“She seems okay, but me, I see Elsa and Anna everywhere I go,” Adam said, referring to the two main characters in “Frozen,” the sisters who grow up apart from one another, then reunite in the film’s third act. “I’ll be driving and I think I’ll see the two of them up ahead, smiling at me. I slam on the brakes, but thee’s no one there. It’s like a Stephen King movie.”

Another issue is the music, says Adam. “Let It Go” has proven to be the biggest hit on a soundtrack that spent 35 consecutive weeks at number one on the Billboard 200 albums chart. Other songs from the film are widely known as well, like “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” and “For the First Time in Forever.”

“I’m humming the damn things all day long at work,” says Adam. “And it’s not like I want to. God, do I not want to. It’s like some kind of brilliant subliminal planting that they’ve done to make those songs stay in your head. They’re just stuck in there, no matter what I do. The same thing happened to me with ‘Let’s Hear it for the Boy’ years ago, and I barely got over that.”

Adam was finally driven to make the offer that is currently on the table after running out of options. He realizes it is not a desire of his children or his wife for him to lose one of his testicles, but he said, at this point, he’ll consider anything.

“I said that as a joke,” he admits. “Or more of a moaning kind of plea to the gods, really, than a joke. But if my wife wants to take me up on it, and say, ‘If Daddy gives up a testicle, you girls can’t watch “Frozen” with him in the house anymore,’ then I will certainly keep up my end of the bargain.”

Adam admits losing a testicle would be potentially traumatic, and the procedure may be fraught with some danger.

“It would be worth it,” he said. “Believe me. I wouldn’t have that movie constantly with me, for the first time in forever. Argh! See? You see that? Goddamn it!”

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Web Designer Considers his Second-Youngest the Internet Explorer of his Five Children

San Diego, CA – Josh Truek, a 39-year-old web designer, has five children, three girls and two boys, with his wife, Claire. Their youngest child, Maxine, is two-and-a-half. The oldest is Sadie, who is 11.

The second-youngest child, Zach, is five years old. Josh loves Zach as much as any of his other children, but he has to admit that parenting Zach has been unique, at the very least, and at times, even mind-boggling.

“He just has a lot of unique quirks and foibles, none of which were familiar to us from the three [children] that came before him,” Josh says. “Or the one that came after.”

“In their first two or so years, they did almost nothing the way Zach did,” Josh said.

Josh is familiar with dealing with foibles and quirks from his work as a web designer. He often has to account for the many differences in how web browsers behave. Specifically, Internet Explorer, especially in its earlier versions, has been known to confound web professionals across the globe with its idiosyncratic behavior, that seems completely at odds with the behavior of other popular browsers like Mozilla Firefox, Google Chrome, or Apple’s Safari.

“The differences are so stark that you have to account for them many dozens of times in one website design,” Josh said. “It can drive you mad, because this certain aspect of a design will work perfectly in all the other major browsers, but just look completely bonkers on Internet Explorer. It happens all the time.”

Josh says he hesitates to compare any of his children to something as trivial as a web browser, but he can’t help but notice a correlation between the behavior of Zach relative to his other children and the behavior of Internet Explorer relative to other browsers.

“The other four were pretty much the same, relatively speaking,” Josh says. “But Zach is, like, from a different planet, in terms of behavior and what have you.”

Josh is quick to point out that he doesn’t think the difference is down to gender, as his older son Lucas, 11, behaved much more like his three sisters as a younger child than he did like Max.

“I don’t think that has anything to do with it, really,” Josh said, regarding the gender issue. “I really don’t. I think Zach is just Zach, and he’s unique.”

So Josh and Claire make their adjustments, re-configure their old systems, develop workarounds, to compensate for the one-of-a-kind behavior of Zach.

“I mean, we wouldn’t have it any other way,” Josh says. “I love all my kids. Love them to death. Maybe, at the end of the day, you even have more of a soft spot for the one that drove you crazy. I don’t know. That being said, though, as a designer, I hate Internet Explorer. Like, just absolutely loathing, I feel. So, I don’t really want to think about what that means.”

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Parents Hope Child Will Develop Several Meaningful Antibodies at Day Care

Maplewood, NJ – Alan and Amy Brandt are excited for their son, Cody, to go to day care. They know he’ll make a lot of new friends, learn new socialization skills and receive music and art lessons. But it’s more than that. Alan and Amy are excited that Cody’s little body will develop many new antibodies that will help stave off infection and disease in the future.

“We know he’s just going to catch all kinds of things,” Amy said. “And that means he’ll build up antibodies to whatever those things are, which means he won’t get those same things in the future. It’s exciting.”

Alan agrees.

“Day care is necessary for us, because we both work, and it’s a great way for Cody to meet other kids his own age and learn how to interact,” he said. “But really, I’m so looking forward to him coming home with some kind of odd viral infection that doctors here have hardly heard of, so that he can build up resistance to it.”

“I just can’t wait,” Amy said, “for those B lymphocytes to make those little guys and fight off all those nasty, evil infections!”

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No One in House Willing to Put Toilet Paper in Dispenser

Hollywood, CA – None of the five roommates who share a house on Whitley Avenue in Hollywood are apparently willing to put the new roll of toilet paper in the dispenser. Instead, all of the roommates, which include three men and two women, have chosen to leave the new roll on the counter next to the toilet.

It has been confirmed by two of the roommates that all five roommates have indeed used the bathroom since the new roll was taken out of the closet and put on the counter, so they have all had an opportunity to put the roll in the dispenser, if so inclined. Both roommates say they do not know who originally took the new roll out of the closet and placed it on the bathroom counter. They both spoke on condition of anonymity, for fear of upsetting the delicate chemistry in the house.

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Living

Man Just Wants to Know if it’s Okay to Watch ‘Manhattan Murder Mystery’

Baldwin, NY – Controversy swirls around Woody Allen, following the publication of a letter writen by his daughter, 28-year-old Dylan Farrow, in Nicholas Kristof’s New York Times column and blog. The letter details what Dylan calls her “sexual assault” on the part of Allen when she was just seven years old. A fierce debate has erupted, online and elsewhere, as to who might be telling the truth, and Allen is said to be preparing a response, which will also be published in the Times.

But Brian Encino of Baldwin, NY, doesn’t have an opinion one way or the other on whether or not the abuse happened as Dylan described it, or whether Allen is telling the truth when he says nothing even remotely close to what she describes in her letter ever happened. He just wants to know if he can watch Allen’s 1993 comedy, “Manhattan Murder Mystery” without feeling bad about himself and constantly being reminded of the controversy and the alleged sexual assault.

“I figured it was a pretty safe one,” Encino said, standing in front of his big-screen television in the living room of the two-bedroom apartment he shares with his girlfriend. “It doesn’t have Mia Farrow, first of all. And the Woody Allen character isn’t all into some young chick and being all gross or anything. So, hopefully, I’ll get through it without being reminded of this whole thing too many times.”

The film stars Allen and Diane Keaton as a married couple who get involved in a murder investigation, after Keaton’s character becomes convinced their neighbor was involved in his wife’s death. Alan Alda and Anjelica Huston also star.

Mr. Encino said he chose the film, which he has already rented from Amazon’s Instant Video service, mainly for the absence of Farrow, but also because the screwball-type plot would likely lend itself to much less association with the Allen controversy.

Ironically, Keaton was brought in as a late replacement for Farrow, whose relationship with Allen disintegrated as the movie was heading into production. The National Protrusion chose not to share this fact with Mr. Encino.

“It’s a zany, far-out kind of comedy thing, from what I understand,” Mr. Encino said. The blurb on the Amazon Instant Video page describing the film appealed to him. It reads, “A middle-aged couple suspects foul play when their neighbor’s wife suddenly drops dead.”

“I thought it was perfect,” Mr. Encino said. “No mention of sex, or young girls or anything like that. It was just him and Diane Keaton in the picture, and she’s plenty old, so that was cool.”

Mr. Encino and his girlfriend made popcorn in the microwave oven and got comfortable on the couch in preparation for watching the film. Before he hit play with his remote control, he looked up and asked, “So, what do you think? Are we going to be okay?”