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Business/Economy

Sociopath Great CEO

New York – Norman Edleman, a sociopath, is CEO of InteliPlay, a company that makes products for children ranging from bath toys to on-the-go snacks. The firm has experienced double digit growth every year over the last five years, and many say the firm’s success is due in large part to Edleman’s sociopathic personality.

“He has the right instincts, the right lack of moral concern,” said a high-level executive at the firm who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of angering a sociopath who is also the executive’s boss. “When you don’t feel any guilt or responsibility for the well-being of other people, you can do amazing things.”

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Business/Economy

Financial Adviser Suggests Couple Discover Rich Uncle

Trenton, NJ – The financial adviser hired by John and Amy Becker had only one suggestion for the couple after reviewing their finances: they should try to discover a rich uncle, and they should do it as soon as possible. According to the adviser, Chase Decklan, the couple has no other options to generate more income and thereby get themselves out of the large amount of debt they have accrued.

“They both have college loans they’re paying back, they’re living in a house they really can’t afford, and they have credit card debt,” Decklan said. “Neither one has a high-paying job or any real marketable skills, and there are no other assets or investments to generate income, either.”

“Really, they have no other choice,” Decklan said. “It’s time for them to get out there, call their parents, and see if there’s a rich uncle somewhere down the line. Even a great-uncle. Something. Someone that has a lot of money and would feel obligated, due to familial guilt, into helping these two out.”

John and Amy say they don’t know of any rich relatives in either one of their families, and don’t see much hope of discovering one, either.

“I don’t even have any uncles,” John said. “I have a great aunt that won the lotto once. But that was, like, fifteen hundred dollars, and I think she spent it all on towels. She likes really nice towels.”

“I have uncles, but they don’t have any money,” Amy said. “One of them is crazy, though, so he might be willing to rob a bank or something like that, and help us out that way. That’s about the only thing I can think of right now.”

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Business/Economy

CEO Wondering if His Full-Time Workers Would Mind Being Considered Part-Time

Topeka, KS – Leo Merck, CEO of Inline Products, Inc., held a meeting with all the company’s full-time employees Friday afternoon to ask if they would mind being considered part-time, according to people who attended the meeting. The employees in question would still work full-time hours, they would just be treated as part-time from a human resources point of view, which would mean having their health care and other benefits cut significantly.

“He basically just came out and asked us,” said one witness, who preferred to remain nameless for fears of possible repercussions for speaking with the press. “He just said, ‘I have a question for all you men and women, who have done such a wonderful job here as full-time employees: What would you think about being considered part-time?’”

The employees were taken aback, according to the witness. One of them raised their hand and asked a question.

“She wanted to know if we were being demoted to part-time status,” the witness said.

Mr. Merck apparently replied that no, that was definitely not the case.

“He said, ‘No, no, there is no way I would demote you people. You’re much too valuable to be moved to part-time status,’” the witness said.

What followed was confusion, with the majority of the group not understanding what Mr. Merck was getting at.

“He had to kind of gather himself again, and be more specific,” the witness said.

It was at that point that Mr. Merck explained the plan. The current full-time employees would work their normal, full-time hours, but as far as human resources and any government agencies were concerned, they would officially be classified as part-time. The move would help limit health care costs for the company, among other costs of providing benefits, as part-time employees receive less than half the employer-sponsored benefits of full-time employees.

“It would improve profitability for the company, is what he said,” the witness said.

Once people realized that what was happening was in effect they were being stripped of a good portion of their benefits, “there was stunned silence. Then a few people objected.”

Mr. Merck assured the employees the change was not going into effect immediately, as he was merely suggesting it as an option, to see what the employees thought. He urged them to think it over carefully.

“He said we could give feedback to him anytime, via email. He then thanked us for being such understanding, loyal part-time employees, and walked out.”

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Business/Economy

New Head of Regulatory Agency Already Lining Up Jobs with Companies He’s Supposed to be Regulating

Washington – Joel Armansky, the newly-appointed Director of the Federal Pharmaceutical Compliance Commission, a governmental regulatory agency tasked with overseeing the activities of pharmaceutical companies, isn’t wasting any time lining up his next job, which he hopes will be with one of the companies who lead the industry he is tasked with regulating.

“I’ve spoken with almost all the major players,” Armansky said Friday. “Merck, Pfizer, you name it. I’m trying to see where the best opportunities are, after I leave my post here.”

Asked if there was a quid pro quo in place, or anything expected of him in return for the potential opportunity to advance his career, Armansky said, “No, not anything specific. I mean, obviously, I can’t regulate them or perform actual oversight. That’s a given. But I wasn’t planning on doing that, anyway.”

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Business/Economy

GM Unveils New Slogan: Safety Comes Somewhere Relatively Close to First

Amid weeks of terrible headlines for General Motors, the company Monday unveiled a new slogan, as a way of trying to be “more honest with our customers,” according to CEO Mary Barra.

The new slogan, “GM: Safety Comes Somewhere Relatively Close to First” is to some an implicit acknowledgment that the company has failed to prioritize safety, and an admission that the facts cannot be denied.

“We can’t honestly say, ‘Safety is our number one concern,’ because it clearly isn’t,” Barra said. “But what we are saying is, ‘Look. It’s not number one, but it’s up there. It’s close. There’s only two, maybe three things above it. That’s pretty high.”

Asked what items might come before safety on the company’s list of priorities, Barra said, “Well, profitability would be number one. Then probably increasing revenue, and cost-cutting. But both of those are really different ways to say ‘profitability’ anyway. That’s how important it is. It takes up three spots.”

Barra stresses that she understands the company needs to rebuild its image in the eyes of the public, and says the new slogan is a step in that direction.

“It says, ‘Hey, safety is important to us,'” she said. “It finishes a strong third or fourth.”