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Bush Urges Nation to Wait for Rich Uncle to Call and Offer Large Cash Gift

Washington – Hoping to defend himself against criticism that his administration hasn’t done enough to help average Americans who are struggling financially, President Bush met with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and several other economic advisers at the White House today. They hoped to draw up a plan that would focus not on Wall Street but on the millions of Americans facing difficult economic times. After meeting for several hours, the group said they had agreed on a plan of action, and they addressed the press to announce it.

“We acknowledge that these are difficult times for Americans,” Bush said in a prepared statement. “And that is why I summoned my economic team to meet with me today and hammer out a solution. We are unanimous in our belief that the best course of action at this time is to hold out a bit longer for that rich uncle to call with an offer to give needed cash. This would not be a loan on the part of the uncle, it would have to be a gift, a one-time offer made out of love and compassion, with no hope of ever seeing that money again.”

President Bush fielded questions from reporters following the statement. He was asked whether there wasn’t a more active solution he and his economic team could offer, other than waiting for a call from an uncle. “Well, we knocked our heads together for hours on this,” Bush said. “So I don’t see how you can say or think we didn’t go through every possible option. I mean, I don’t remember actually discussing any other options, but I feel confident that each of us, in our minds, were going over the other options. I know I was. After I decided which muffin to have, which did take a while, I was going over solutions, options. Various things.”

Paulson and Bush attempted to explain that this plan applied to the millions of non-millionaire Americans only. “We don’t want anyone on Wall Street to be alarmed. This is not a plan that applies to them,” Bush clarified. “I want to make that clear. They don’t have to wait for a rich uncle. They have the Fed.”

Asked what he would say to an American who asked how he could wait patiently when times were so difficult, Bush said, “Well, you know, I would just say, take it easy. Sit on the couch. Watch some TV. Eat a snack. And just lounge. And wait for that uncle to call with full confidence that he will. Not with any doubt. You just have to know he will. Even if you don’t have a rich uncle. Or any uncle, as a matter of fact. It’ll still happen. You’ll see. You just have to believe. This is why I stress faith so much, because it’s necessary in times like these. Faith. Sometimes, you know, it’s a faith in God. Sometimes, it’s a faith in an uncle that doesn’t exist. If you have faith, you’ll be okay. An uncle will come out of somewhere. Believe me. And he’ll be holding cash.”