Washington – President Bush addressed the nation tonight to say he had ordered the United States military to, “Strike the fluctuating, unreliable U.S. economy before it can do any more damage.” He went on to say, “I believe this is the only solution to the current economic crisis facing our country. Once the economy is destroyed, it won’t be able to hurt us anymore.”
The address began at 9:00 PM Eastern Standard Time, and was broadcast live on the three major television networks. It was not immediately clear how many administration or military officials were briefed on the decision, which is unconventional. One administration official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “He said what?! I just went out to get a hamburger for God’s sake!”
Never before has a United States president ordered the destruction of the country’s economy. President Bush acknowledged the unusual nature of his decision. “I know this may come as a shock to some of you,” the president said. “But just like when you stick your finger in a light socket after licking it, you get a shock, but you recover. And then it only takes you a couple of more times to know not to do that anymore. But this is different. Because it’s not bad. It’s good. So you don’t have to learn not do anything. You don’t have to learn anything at all. And that’s the way I always think it should be.”
The president went on to talk of a new future for the country, one without an economy as we now know it. “Think of it: a country without an economy. No longer will we be beholden to money in order to make the society work. I’m confident we can come up with alternatives to fill the role that money now plays in our society. For instance, we could trade recipes. Or homemade soups. It would be like a barter system. Remember that? Me either, but I’m pretty sure some people at some time did that, and it must have worked okay. We can probably look it up if we wanted to. In a book. A history book. Anyway, what was I saying?”
