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Bush: Killing Some Chinese Would Lower Gas Prices

WASHINGTON – President Bush made what many see as a radical proposal this weekend to curb rising oil prices, suggesting that the United States and other nations use their military to halve the Chinese population, thereby considerably reducing demand for oil.

“I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious,” Bush said after making the surprise proposal while talking with reporters on the White House lawn. “There’s just too many damn Chinese. There’s, what? Some crazy million or billion folks. Is it zillion? It might be zillion. They must… I don’t know. They must have quite a fertile bunch of ladies over there. God bless ‘em. But they gotta go.”

When asked about other less drastic alternatives, such as U.S. citizens driving less fuel-hungry vehicles, the president responded, “But… But why do that, when we can do this? I don’t understand. This is something we can do, and it makes smart sense. I propose it. Then you come back and say, ‘Oh, well, what about this?’ No, how about we stick with proposal one, halving China? Then if that doesn’t work, I’ll listen to other possible solutions. Even off-the-wall ones like driving more… blah-biddy-boo, efficiency, whatever you said.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan echoed the president’s sentiment in a press briefing late Saturday, saying, “This president is asking, ‘Why is everything America’s fault?’ You know, China reproduces like rabbits and it’s our fault we drive SUVs? Next, it’ll be America’s fault that Iraq is a dangerous, unstable disaster. Oh, wait. That is our fault.”

President Bush was also asked about the possibility of pressing Saudi Arabia to further increase its oil output in his upcoming meetings with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz. “Oh, now it’s the Saudis’ fault?” the President countered. “When is it gonna be China’s fault? I don’t get it. They’re the ones that have too many people. The Saudis didn’t go over there and… and have sex with people — with women specifically, since that’s how babies get made — and make Chinese babies. The Chinese did that. And anyway, I don’t ask the Saudis anything. The Crown Prince comes and tells me what I can say I said to them, and that’s what we tell reporters I said. Sometimes he lets me say I said something tough-sounding, and I really like that. Maybe he’ll let me do that this time. That would be really neat.”