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Bush: Bolton Should Be Confirmed on Basis of Moustache Alone

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush said yesterday that John Bolton, the president’s beleaguered nominee for U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, should be confirmed by the Senate simply on the basis of his moustache.

“Yeah, I just think it’s as good a reason as any,” the president told reporters on the White House lawn. “I mean, have you seen that thing? That’s a moustache. It’s like a bald eagle landed on his upper lip. That’s America. It’s beautiful.”

Democrats were quick to disagree. “I think if you really look at the moustache, it’s just another clear example of how unhinged this man is, and therefore how poor a choice he is for the position in question,” said Senator Barbara Boxer of California. “I mean, can you trim? Is trimming allowed? For God’s sake. Kofi Annan may be many things, but he’s a man who knows how to use that little scissor that comes in those grooming kits.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan tried to reinforce the president’s earlier remarks at a late afternoon press conference. “Well, I think it’s just like Senator Boxer to impugn Mr. Bolton’s moustache,” McClellan said. “This is a proud American, Mr. Bolton, who has grown his facial hair almost, you might say, in accordance with his love for this country. Frankly, I don’t see Senator Boxer having that kind of love for her nation on her face. So I think we have to ask, Who is more American? The guy with the oversized white shrubbery of love for America under his nose, or the lady with nothing? And I think the answer’s obvious.”