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Bush Asks History to Preemptively Pardon Him

Washington – President Bush made a public plea today for History to preemptively pardon him from any negative judgments that might be leveled against him in the future. Many believe Mr. Bush will indeed be judged harshly by History, and as his second and final term draws to a close, aides said he made it a point to address the issue publicly.

“Let me ask History for some compassion, some sympathy, and request a preemptive pardon for any negative judgment I might receive down the line,” Bush said from the South Lawn of the White House. “Some may say in the future, as they say now, that I have made many mistakes during my time as president. That may be true. But maybe a better way to look at it is to look at negative things I could have done, but didn’t. I never murdered anyone in the Oval Office itself, for example. I never hurt any old ladies, unless they were really getting in my face, and then I may have had a Secret Service agent do something or other. No, but what I’m trying to say is, relatively speaking, have I really been so bad?”

After speaking for several minutes, the president took questions from reporters. One reporter listed many of the president’s perceived failings, including his response to Hurricane Katrina, the Iraq War’s insufficient planning and flawed execution, the aborted nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, and the Justice Department scandal involving U.S. attorneys who were allegedly fired for political reasons. Bush responded, “Yeah, those things are there, and that’s a whole lot of things. But I bet you could list just as many things that I haven’t done wrong. Ready? I’ll start. Haven’t killed in Oval Office – said that already. Haven’t… released toxic fumes into the air around Washington. Not on purpose. Haven’t hired small children from impoverished nations to test my food for possible poisons, though I could have. Haven’t hired incompetent people for important jobs just because they’re friends of mine, at the risk of—Oh, no, wait. I did do that one. So, wait, how many was that, before that last one?”

There was no response from History regarding Mr. Bush’s request.