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Bush Asks to Be Graded on a Curve

Washington – President Bush addressed the nation tonight to ask that history, and the American people, judge him “on a curve, to make things fair.” Mr. Bush’s address was seen on all three major networks, and included an acknowledgment that, “Many people see my presidency as being less than fantastic.” This comes just days after an Iraqi journalist hurled his shoes at Mr. Bush during a joint press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Al-Maliki.

In the address, Mr. Bush made his case for why he thinks his presidency should be judged on a curve. “In college, professors will sometimes grade a test based on a curve, often when the material is deemed to be too difficult, and the overall scores are very low,” Mr. Bush said, reading from prepared remarks. “Well, I urge you to see the presidency of the United States as the hardest test there is, especially for me, and realize that the scores I am to be given can only really be fair and reasonable when weighted properly. Therefore, I am asking to be graded on a curve.

“Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that we agree that it’s nearly impossible to get an A grade as a president. Maybe Washington, Lincoln, and a few others have done it, but let’s face it – I’m no Lincoln or Washington. Heck, I might not even be a Ford. So, in this case, the curve that might be applied would acknowledge that fact, and would make a B or a C grade what the A grade would have been. That’s basically how the curve works – what would have been a B or a C is now an A, and then the grades below that are judged relative to that ‘new A,’ so to speak. I…” Mr. Bush paused for a moment. “Whoa. I think my brain might’ve just flipped over and hung upside down for a few seconds. Anyway, so once you adjust the grade I might receive to that curve, a poor grade like a D or an F would become more like a C. And that’s really all I’ve ever asked for, is a C grade. You can ask anybody.”

Mr. Bush said he was not asking for an immediate decision on the matter. “Take some time, think about it,” he said. “Talk it over with your family, your friends. But when it comes time to grade me, you might think the way those college professors do, and grade relative to the difficulty of the exam, and the overall performance of the class. In this case, I’m the only one in the class, so the class did really poorly.”