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Abstinence-or-Bestiality Policy Proposed for Teens

WASHINGTON – In response to recent criticism of abstinence-only education programs, based on findings revealing that teens involved in the programs were engaging in anal and oral sex as a way to avoid losing their “virginity,” the Bush administration yesterday proposed the new Abstinence-Or-Bestiality plan, aimed at giving students another option.

“This is a big step forward for this president and this administration,” White House spokesman Scott McClellan said in a press briefing Tuesday afternoon. “I think it certainly can be said that this president has been accused of being too narrow-minded on this issue, of giving kids no choice other than abstention. Well, the President’s saying, here’s a choice. You have a dog? A cat? Better yet, do you live near a farm? Why not get out the urge on a llama or a goat, rather than Sally from down the block? That way, Sally doesn’t get pregnant, and for the boy–well, we all know it’s really all the same for the boy anyway.”

Animal rights groups expressed outrage over the proposal, and Democrats voiced concerns as well, both for the animals and for the teens and their safety. President Bush, responding to some of the statements, said, “Well, I mean, animals are pretty clean. Right? I mean, they lick themselves and everything. These kids should be fine.” Some animals have carried diseases similar to AIDS, and scientists say the health risks from sexual interaction between a teenager and an animal are quite high in any event. “Well, they can say that,” Bush said. “But they say a lot of things. The health risks might be high? Okay. The health risks of breathing the air around here are supposed to be high, too, if you believe scientists. But I haven’t died yet. A lot of other people have, but I haven’t. Heck, that’s enough for me.”

In terms of his motivation for drafting the bold policy, Bush said, “Well, it, uh, it came from them–the teens.” The President said he was inspired by the stories he read about teens who were involved in the abstinence-only programs and went to unusually extreme lengths to avoid breaking their promise to abstain from premarital sex. “These teens, you have to say one thing for them — they’re resourceful. Can’t put this in this part here, we’ll put it over there. It’s good, solid thinking. And I think that kind of creativity is uniquely American. And they’re still loved by God. Because they haven’t broken that trust. That sacred trust. They came in the back door, and everyone knows that doesn’t count.”

McClellan, asked about why condoms and other types of birth control were not mentioned in the draft of the President’s proposal, responded, “Look, all you guys want to talk about is condoms, condoms, condoms. ‘They’re so great.’ ‘They work most of the time.’ Well, schtupping a chimp works every time.”

abstinence or bestiality policy proposed for teens