Will You Hug Me?

by Alberto Gonzales

I know you’re busy with your own life and activities and so on, but as you may have read in the newspaper or seen on TV, I’ve had a pretty rough week. No, actually. I’ve had a rough few months. Senate hearings, my reputation and integrity questioned at every turn, people saying I harassed a sick man in his hospital bed, and finally, my resignation. I mean, it’s been a doozy of a time being old Alberto G. And if I need anything right now, it’s a nice, comforting hug.

I’m really not that bad a guy. Honest. I mean, I may have made some decisions as Attorney General, and before that as White House Counsel, that people didn’t like, but they were all made in the hope of promoting the vision I have for this great country: that we spread Democracy around the world, and thwart evil wherever it lurks. To do that, you need the courage to make bold, potentially unpopular decisions. That, and a willingness to strip detainees naked and take many pictures of them in compromising positions.

But, um, still no hug. What gives? Is it because you don’t like the Patriot Act? The NSA spying program? Water-boarding? Well, have you ever tried water-boarding? I didn’t think so. It’s like a game. A water game. Like that Wet Banana thing that you slide on when you’re a kid. Except, in this case, you think you’re drowning and the objective isn’t to slide to the end of the Wet Banana, it’s to tell our investigators secrets about terrorist activity. But it’s the same basic principle.

I know what it is. You think I have no integrity. That I sullied the reputation of the Justice Department. That I’ve done irreparable damage to how people view the law in this country. Right? Well, let me tell you something. I think you have no integrity. Okay? I think you sullied the reputation of the Justice Department. How about that? What? You never worked at the Justice Department? Well, so what? Maybe you sullied it from the outside. You know? Like, with a…long…hose…or something…

Oh, God. Just forget it. I don’t want your stupid, stinking hug. I’m going to go almost drown my kids. They love that game.

August 30th, 2007 by