Rove Searching for New Unqualified Politician to Work With

Washington – These days, you can see Karl Rove on Fox News, where he serves as an on-air analyst, or read his columns in Newsweek or The Wall Street Journal. But what many people don’t know is that when he isn’t opining on the current election-year politics, he’s out pounding the pavement, searching for a new unusually underqualified politician that he can team up with. In short, he’s looking for a replacement for George W. Bush.

“What you’re looking for is someone who knows power, and is comfortable in those circles, but has no actual skills or acumen,” Rove said, as he sipped coffee and walked down a street in the upscale Dupont Circle section of Washington. He said he’s hoping to find a young, wealthy man, ideally the beneficiary of a large family fortune who doesn’t have much to do with his time and has no real desire to do anything in particular. “But you want them at that stage where they’re beginning to get sick of doing nothing,” Rove continued. “Where they’ve been hanging out and doing keg stands and bong hits so long that all that’s really getting old. They’re looking for something, but they don’t know what it is. That’s when I show up and say I have what they need. First they think I’m there to sell them pot, but then I tell them I can introduce them to the exciting world of politics. Then, usually I have to get past the initial disappointment that I really don’t have any pot to sell them. But eventually they get it, and they become interested.”

Karl Rove

But Rove is not sure he’ll ever find a specimen as ideal as George W. Bush, whom Mr. Rove met when they were both young men. Rove convinced Bush to run for governor of Texas in 1994.

“It was a perfect relationship, really,” Mr. Rove said, almost with a sigh. “Because George, you know, he was like a piece of clay. He was so malleable, because of his low IQ and lack of understanding of what was going on around him, that you could just mold him into whatever you wanted him to be.”

Mr. Rove guided Mr. Bush to two terms as governor, and then two terms as President of the United States. Many people find this remarkable due to Mr. Bush’s lack of experience and/or qualifications. But Mr. Rove says that is precisely the point.

“You want someone with no qualifications. You want someone with as much of a blank slate as you can get, on his resume, but more importantly, in his head. Because then you can fill that head with whatever you need to be in there.” Rove continued, “Now, I don’t know that I’ll ever find a slate as blank as George’s. So, so blank. An endless canvas on which to create.” Rove looked down at his coffee and chuckled. “You know, you just have to ask yourself, ‘Can lightning strike twice?’ I don’t know, honestly. But I’m going to try to make it happen. Hey, look, there’s a dim-looking young guy getting out of that Porsche. I gotta go introduce myself.”

May 16th, 2008 by