Overweight Volunteers Patrol Arizona Border, Defend Nation by Sitting

TOMBSTONE, Arizona – The Minuteman Project, a group of roughly 200 volunteers who have signed up to patrol the border between Mexico and Arizona throughout the month of April, got its start this weekend. Volunteers sat, ate, played with their guns, and occasionally stood up to walk to another lawn chair or cooler full of food. Then they ate and talked about the problems with Mexicans coming across the border. Then they ate.

“Man, I’ll tell you, I haven’t done this much walking in a while,” said William Jeck, a volunteer, after walking to a friend’s cooler for some cold fried chicken. “I was seeing stars for a minute. I even thought I saw my dead mother waving at me. But it’s my duty. That no one asked me to do. If I have to brave the, uh, the standing up and the walking to protect my country, and miss my TV shows, then so be it. I’ll do it to keep this country great. Aw, holy hell, I gotta sit.”

A Minuteman Project organizer, Chris Simcox (yes, his real name), has called mentally underdeveloped racist peers to arms before and beckoned them to protect the border. Asked why he organized this particular project, Simcox said, “Look, lemme tell you. I love this country. And I love guns. And I love little GI Joes, too, incidentally. But, yeah. I mean, we have to protect this country from Mexicans coming in and taking our way of life. We have to. Our way of life is fucking awesome, and we have to protect it. It’s ours. You protect what’s yours. Like GI Joes. Those are mine. If you touch my GI Joes, I’ll fucking kill you. And it’s the same thing here. And plus, women hate me, and that pisses me off. And I can’t hit them, because then they press charges. So I come here.”

Simcox, who is not overweight, was asked about the predominance of large volunteers among the Minutemen. “Yeah, most of these guys, they’ve got some heft,” Simcox said. “But that’s okay. I like that. They’ll crush anyone who gives them a problem. One guy, he can swing his gut around like a battle-ax. It’s amazing.”

border patrol satire

April 4th, 2005 by