Jesus: You Guys Fucking Suck

GREENWICH VILLAGE, New York – God’s son Jesus appeared before a small group of reporters in an impromptu press conference on the corners of Lafayette and Bleeker streets in Manhattan’s Greenwich Village on Easter Sunday, and took the opportunity to reprimand the human race.

“Well, it’s Easter, so I came back to see how everything was going,” God’s only son said. “I thought it was a good time, you know. And what do I find? What do I find? You guys haven’t listened to one damn thing I’ve said. Not one. I thought I said some pretty memorable things there, but I guess I was wrong. Sermon on the Mount? No? Not so good?”

Jesus teetered a bit from side to side several times during the brief press conference, and witnesses reported seeing Him in a nearby corner bar as early as 10:00 A.M. yesterday morning.

“I don’t know, you know,” Jesus continued, lighting a cigarette at the wrong end and growing agitated. “I mean, it makes me reconsider the whole thing. What have you people done with the life you were given? The life I sacrificed myself for? It’s Lotto and spinning hubcaps and kids who can’t stop eating? That’s what you’ve made? Come on! Oh, oh, I guess the Xbox got nails driven into its hands, huh? For your sins. Maybe the, uh, the new Dodge Viper gave his life for you. Is that what happened? Huh? What’s wrong with you all!?!”

Jesus fell to a sitting position on the curb and put His head in His hands. After a significant pause, He lifted His head and appeared more introspective. “But you know, maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I gave you too much freedom, too much responsibility over things you didn’t really have the intellect or the compassion, the capacity to handle. And then, you know, I was neglectful, probably. It’s okay. I can say it. Ah, Jesus–Ah, Me. What am I doing here? My dad is gonna kill me.”

And with that, Jesus returned to the corner bar, shaking His head, and the press conference was over as quickly as it had begun. After a few minutes, reporters and onlookers entered the bar to look for Jesus, but He was nowhere to be seen. All that was found was a note written on a bar napkin which said, “You make it really hard to love you – J.”

Jesus: You Guys Fucking Suck

March 28th, 2005 by