Iran Will Only Meet with U.S. if U.S. Representatives Get Nothing to Drink

Tehran – Iran’s Foreign Minister announced today that a precondition for any bilateral meeting between Iran and United States would be an assurance that “nothing delicious or cold was made available for the U.S. representatives to drink.” The minister, Manouchehr Mottaki, made the announcement in an interview on Iranian television Tuesday morning.

“The United States officials often talk about their preconditions for meeting with Iran,” Mr. Mottaki said. “‘Oh, we want this, we want that.’ Well, we would like them to know that we also have preconditions. Our preference, first of all, is that they not show up to the meeting at all. That would be wonderful. However, if we must meet them in person, we require that they are forced to sit in an un-air conditioned room while they wait for us, and that they be given nothing to drink either before or during the meeting. Also, during the meeting, the only issue open to discussion is reality television. If the U.S. fails to meet these demands, there will be no meeting.”

U.S. officials were quick to respond. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton issued a statement which read, in part, “This ludicrous demand by the government of Iran is just another example of the fact that while the United States continues to work in good faith towards honest, open discussion, the Iranian government keeps throwing obstacles in the path of progress and understanding.”

Mrs. Clinton went on to say that she would never sanction a meeting in which representatives of the United States could potentially become dehydrated due to a lack of liquids.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also chimed in later in the day. In a statement of his own, he said, “The Americans should not only not get anything cold or delicious to drink, they should instead get small glasses filled with sand. This way, if they get the urge to take a drink, they wind up making themselves more thirsty and desperate for liquids which are not forthcoming. It is what they deserve for decades of forcing the rest of the world to drink their vile concoction of imperialism, hedonism and villainy.”

September 22nd, 2009 by