Washington – In response to the current economic crisis, Senate Republicans introduced a bill today that would simultaneously eliminate the income tax and the income for the so-called ‘middle class,’ which the senators identified as those American households earning less than $100,000 a year. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said the bill “accomplished a difficult objective, difficultly.” The bill may face tough opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, although that is unlikely due to the fact that many Democrats are known to have no fortitude of any kind.
For McConnell and his Republican colleagues, these desperate times present the perfect opportunity to bring about a change they have been seeking for years, namely removing the need for companies to pay salaries to their workers. “We actually had the idea of doing away with the wages first,” McConnell said. “But we’re aware that this idea of paying the workers has a long history in this country and that eliminating pay would potentially cause problems for us and for the bill. So we said, ‘What can we do to kind of stem that tide of anger that might result from people having their wages, their income taken away?’ But we couldn’t come up with anything, because all the ideas required the business owners and the corporations to give something, and we couldn’t have that. So finally we came to the realization that, ‘Hey, since they don’t have income, they don’t have income taxes. That’s how we’ll frame it. As them winning something. Everyone loves to win something.’ And we all knew we had the right idea.”
Asked about expected resistance from Senate Democrats, McConnell said, “Well, we don’t really worry about them too much, the Democrats. All we have to do is frame it in a certain way that makes them look weak. Like, let’s say, ‘The Democrats obviously hate American workers and would like them to have to pay this incredibly crippling income tax.’ Something like that. And it’s amazing, because none of them usually even say the obvious thing, which would be to accuse us of hating them because we took their pay away. They don’t even think of it. It’s weird. But in the event that they do, we could use something like, ‘You know who else loves the fact that American companies have to pay wages to the workers? Osama bin Laden.’ You say something like that, and Pelosi runs and hides behind the lectern and whimpers softly. At least, that’s what usually happens.”
In terms of the American people themselves, many of whom will lose their main source of income should the bill pass, McConnell said they required a slightly different, but no more difficult approach. “Well, first of all, you focus on the fact that they’ll no longer have to pay their income tax. That we’re giving them that. You just keep pounding that home, and you leave out the part about them no longer having income, as much as you can. And then, what you do is, you tie it to a hot-button social issue like gay marriage or abortion or something, and you’ll get a lot of them to go along. So you may hear us talking about how, if we allow people to have income, they’ll try to buy things for themselves, like televisions. And on those televisions they’ll see programs about homosexuals and so-called ‘alternative lifestyles’ and things of that nature. So if they don’t want to see those things, and have the minds of their children polluted, possibly beyond repair, they should be glad they’ll no longer be receiving this tainted, dangerous ‘income.’ And that’ll work like a charm. They’ll be eating out of a can of dog food on the corner, but they’ll think we did the right thing.”