Washington – Former United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was discovered in a storage shed behind the White House Saturday by security personnel. The former attorney general was “barely coherent” and had apparently been subsisting solely on pine cones that had fallen from an overhead pine tree through a hole in the roof of the shed. Gonzales was taken to an area hospital for evaluation.
“We found Mr. Gonzales in the shed at approximately 2:15 PM,” said White House Security Officer Greg Anderson. “He was wearing a big winter jacket, a hat and earmuffs. We found several half-eaten pine cones strewn about the floor of the shed, and we could not find any evidence of any other food source in the nearby vicinity or on Mr. Gonzales’s person. We were able to ascertain from facial hair growth and other indicators that he had been in the shed for at least three weeks. Now, I’m no nutritional expert, but I must say I am shocked at the apparent sustenance value of pine cones. They kept Mr. Gonzales’s body functioning for that entire time. Unless he had some beef jerky hidden somewhere that we couldn’t see, you have to admit that’s pretty impressive.”