Experts: Giant Death Ray Likely Not Meant for Research

Damascus – Though Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad insists that the Giant Death Ray found to be under construction in an underground lab in an undisclosed location in the Syrian desert is meant only for research and telecommunications, experts say its purpose is much more nefarious: it means to cause death to as many people as possible.

“Often with these death rays, what we find is that they’re not meant for peaceful purposes,” said Arthur Bellinger, a nuclear arms expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “The government in question might say it’s intended for fuel production or research or something along those lines. But most often, what we find is that death rays are meant to do one thing and one thing only, and that’s cause death.”

In an interview with a British television station, Mr. Assad said this particular case is different.

“Obviously, the issue becomes confusing because it is called a Giant Death Ray,” he said. “So perhaps more thought could have gone into the name, into how it would translate and so on. However, this is a different kind of Giant Death Ray. This Giant Death Ray is for research only, for discovering new ways to communicate. We all want new ways to communicate, don’t we? I think we do.”

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton expressed doubts about the Syrian leader’s claims.

“We are skeptical, shall we say,” Mrs. Clinton said in a briefing with reporters at the State Department. “We are willing to give the benefit of the doubt when it is appropriate to do so. However, we are suspicious that something called a Giant Death Ray would not have as its sole purpose telecommunications research. Something just doesn’t feel right about it. We think there might be something more going on here.”

“You know, I told them, my friends, do not call this ‘Giant Death Ray,'” Mr. Assad said when told of Mrs. Clinton’s statement. “Call it ‘Giant Telecommunications Tower.’ That way, there is less confusion. But they did not listen to me, and now we have this situation. The world thinks we have a nefarious purpose in building this device, simply because it is called a Giant Death Ray, and looks like a giant ray that can cause death. It’s unfortunate.”

September 30th, 2009 by