FBI Almost Certain Bin Laden Not Hiding in FBI Building

Washington – Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations, announced today that the FBI is, “At long last, and after much back-breaking effort, reasonably certain that Osama Bin Laden is nowhere within FBI Headquarters.”

The FBI is headquartered in the J. Edgar Hoover Building in Washington, D.C. It was the first time the FBI has confirmed somewhere Bin Laden is not. In 2005, they were close to being able to declare him nowhere in Mueller’s office, but then had to hold off on that claim when they realized they hadn’t looked in one of the office’s closets.

Mueller made the announcement in a press briefing at the Hoover Building. He said FBI Agents took part in several comprehensive sweeps of the building over a period of several years. Finally, last week, they were able to conclude with near-certainty that Bin Laden was not anywhere in the headquarters.

“I am proud of my team, and of every member of the Bureau,” Mueller said in his opening remarks. “It has been a mere six and a half years since the 9/11 terror attacks, and we are now almost certain we can remove one building from the millions of places Osama Bin Laden may be. I’d call that a successful record, by any measure.”

President Bush said he was pleased with the announcement. “I have the best intelligence team there is, bar none,” Mr. Bush said in remarks on the South Lawn of the White House. “That means there’s no one better than them. They are thorough. And they’re dedicated. Without them, we wouldn’t be able to eliminate any buildings from the list of places Osama Bin Laden might be. And that is a state I don’t want to return to. Another state I don’t want to return to is New Jersey. It’s nothing personal against the people of New Jersey. I just didn’t have a particularly good time there.”

Mueller went on to say that he’s hopeful the Bureau will be able to conclude within the next few months that Bin Laden is not hiding anywhere in the White House.

February 6th, 2008 by