Death Panel Rules Palin be Tweeted to Death

Washington – A death panel convened by the Obama Administration to judge which Americans are allowed to live or die has ruled that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin must be tweeted, or twittered, to death. Tweets are 140-character posts to the popular social networking site, Twitter. The death panel released a statement Monday afternoon announcing its decision.

“Ms. Palin, being fond of communicating on the social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook,” the statement read, “is hereby ordered to be put to death in a manner befitting the social networking community. She will be inundated with 140-character tweets, until unable to sustain life.”

In a post on Facebook reacting to the panel’s ruling, Palin wrote, “You see?!?! I told you there were death panels!!!! I was right!!! And they’ve targeted me!!! Your favorite gov!! Help!!!!”

The panel is manned by anonymous bureaucrats whose sole purpose is to euthanize large swaths of the U.S. population, particularly elderly Americans and disabled children and adults, by denying them medical care. However, in Palin’s case, the panel ruled that further action must be taken beyond the usual denial of necessary treatment.

“We must look at a person’s value to society when deciding whether they live or die,” the panel’s statement explained. “And in the case of Gov. Palin, she is not only of no use to society, but she is actually a negative drain on society. Each time she posts a ‘tweet’ or updates her Facebook page, the collective intelligence of the country’s population is lowered significantly. This must stop. She must stop. Her next update will be her last.”

Palin has made headlines throughout the health care reform debate, speaking out against the lack of choice such reform will bring, and most notably, warning Americans about precisely the type of death panel that has just determined her fate.

“Seriously, this isn’t a joke,” Palin wrote on Twitter Monday afternoon, after receiving multiple tweets. In the next post, or tweet, she managed to send, she wrote, “Stop!! Stop tweeting me!! I can’t take much more!!! Pleeeeeaaaassee!!!”

She did not tweet again.

November 9th, 2009 by