Category: Uncategorized

Spicer Forgets Which Scandal
March 31st, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was in the middle of answering a question during Friday’s White House Press Briefing when he suddenly forgot which Trump administration scandal he was currently trying to pin on Hillary Clinton, according to a senior White House official.

“I think it’s interesting that you guys always talk about President Trump’s, uh, involvement in…” Spicer began, then he paused, and seemed to lose his train of thought.

“It was right there that he forgot which scandal he was talking about,” the White House official said. He spoke to The Bulletin on the condition of anonymity for fear of angering the Trump White House. “He couldn’t remember which scandal the question had referred to.”

The official said Spicer’s mind raced through the list of current Trump administration scandals, trying to find the one he was supposed to be talking about.

“Was is Flynn? Was it Nunes being on the White House grounds?” the official said. “Was it Comey saying there was no wiretapping of Trump by Obama? Was it Trump not divesting from his businesses as he said he would? Ivanka moving into the White House? There were so many to choose from.”

But he did know for a certainty on whom he was going to redirect the blame for the scandal, whatever it might have been.

“He knew two things: 1) it was a scandal and 2) he was going to pin it on Hillary Clinton, tie it back to her, bring her into it somehow, some way, no matter how tenuous or frankly nonexistent the connection. So that part was a constant, the Clinton part. He had that. He didn’t have to search for it. But once he let his mind rest for a moment, he was able to find the right scandal and get back going again.”

Having located the correct topic in his head, Spicer continued answering the question, and promptly steered the blame to Clinton.

“You guys seem very interested in President Trump’s connection to Russia,” Spicer said, finding his footing again. “But I don’t see any of you printing stories about Hillary Clinton’s much deeper connections to Russia, or Bill Clinton’s. The paid speeches, the reset button, the phone calls. Hillary Clinton’s very real connections to Russia greatly exceed those of President Trump, but none of you seem to want to talk about that.”

“Once he figured out the scandal, he was home free,” the official said.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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March 29th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – Devin Nunes, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, vowed Wednesday to “vigorously investigate the various ways in which President Trump is innocent of any connection to or collusion with Russia or Russian government representatives.” Nunes briefed reporters at the Capitol and read from a prepared statement before taking questions.

“I hereby vow to do everything in my power to get to the bottom of how innocent President Trump is of charges of collusion with Russian hackers or government officials,” Nunes said. “This includes any knowledge of hacking on the part of the Russians, any cooperation with Russian government officials, and even any communication with Russian officials. I will not rest until this committee gets at the truth about the president’s innocence in all these areas.”

Nunes has seen his impartiality questioned after first serving on President Trump’s transition team and most recently for briefing the White House, rather than fellow members of the committee he chairs, about evidence he claims prove that the names of Trump or members of his campaign team were swept up in incidental collection related to separate investigations.

Wednesday, however, he said he’s “more committed than ever” to investigating the innocence of President Trump and his campaign team.

“It is the duty of this committee to follow the truth about how innocent President Trump is wherever it leads, and that is what I intend to do,” Nunes said. “I will follow any lead, any piece of evidence that helps this committee get at the truth about just how innocent this president is. Doing anything less would be a violation of my duty as chairman of this committee.”

Nunes recently cancelled hearings that would have featured testimony from former acting Attorney General Sally Yates, former CIA Director John Brennan and former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, as well as meetings of the committee itself, according to other members of the committee.

But that doesn’t mean Nunes is any less committed to proving the truth about Trump’s lack of collusion or involvement with Russia in the runup to the 2016 presidential election.

“I cancelled those hearings only because the witnesses that were going to testify were potentially going to speak to the fact that members of President Trump’s team may have had contact with Russian government officials or representatives during the campaign or the transition period after the campaign, or both,” Nunes said, in response to a reporter’s question following his statement. “Obviously, as that information does not further this committee’s task of getting at the truth regarding the fact that President Trump did absolutely nothing wrong, I could not in good faith allow that information to be released to the public.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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Trump Completes Gigantic Health Care Failure Under Budget, Ahead Of Schedule
March 27th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – President Trump boasted of yet another project being completed “under budget and ahead of schedule” Monday, as he signed an executive order marking the death of the American Health Care Act, the bill he championed and that he and Paul Ryan decided to pull from consideration Friday when it became clear it didn’t have the votes to pass in the House of Representatives.

“I mean, look what I did with this,” Trump said, addressing reporters shortly before signing the order. “People have been talking about this for years, Republicans. Talking and talking, but they never actually did it. They never actually failed to get a bill passed. I came in and did it in record time, and at zero cost. Zero. No cost.”

Trump is correct that the bill will cost taxpayers nothing, as it will not be enacted. The timeline is a little more murky.

The AHCA was released by Ryan on March 6th. It is not exactly clear when President Trump became personally involved in trying to bring resistant Republicans around to voting yes on the bill, but as early as the following Tuesday, March 14th, Trump reportedly threatened Republican lawmakers that they would lost their seats if they didn’t get the bill passed. This was a day after the Congressional Budget Office released its damning estimate saying that 24 million more Americans would be uninsured under the new bill.

The question of whether the bill’s failure was delivered “ahead of schedule” is nearly impossible to answer in any case, as there was never a deadline announced.

“I got involved and over a few days, just a few days, maybe even two days, this thing was over,” Trump said during his phone interview. “People were amazed. It was so fast. They’d never seen a piece of legislation, a bill, fail that quickly. And at zero cost, as I said. Cost the taxpayer nothing. Not one penny. Nothing.”

Trump said the secret to his ability to complete the task quickly and at such low cost was that he didn’t “talk it to death.”

“These guys, they’re good people, but they just talk, talk, talk,” Trump said. “I mean, they talk it to death. Just do it. You have to act. And that’s what I did. I acted, and the bill was pulled after, what, a week? Two weeks of it even being considered? That’s fast. That’s real fast.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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Putin Manafort
March 23rd, 2017 by neurome

MOSCOW – President Vladimir Putin met at the Kremlin with a man known only as “Igor” Wednesday, handing a sheet of paper across the table to him. On that sheet of paper was the current location of former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, according to a senior Kremlin official with knowledge of the meeting.

“President Putin handed him a sheet of paper,” the official told The Bulletin. He spoke on the coniditon of anonymity, as he was not authorized to speak about the meeting. “On that sheet of paper was an address, perhaps, a longitude and latitude. Maybe a phone number, even. Anything that would give this person, Igor, the whereabouts of Mr. Manafort.”

Pressed for details about “Igor,” his background, his full name, his position in the Russian government, if one exists, the official said, “He is Igor. That is all you need to know, and all you should hope to know.”

Asked what might happen once Mr. Manafort was located by “Igor,” the Kremlin official shrugged his shoulders.

“They’ll talk a little, maybe, discuss some things,” he said. “Catch up a bit. You know, ‘Shoot the breeze,’ as you Americans say. They’ll shoot the breeze.”

Asked if Mr. Manafort’s life was in danger, the official said, “In danger? Why? Because he’s linked to payments by the Russian government and risks exposing the entire plot to place Trump in the White House? No. Preposterous. I told you, they’re shooting the breeze. That’s all.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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The White House
March 16th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – Chaos erupted this morning at the White House when President Trump could not find the remote control for the TV in the President’s Bedroom for several minutes, thereby cutting him off from trusted advisers Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, and Ainsley Earhardt the hosts of “Fox & Friends” on the Fox News Channel, according to a senior White House official.

“It was just bedlam,” the official said. He spoke to The Bulletin on condition of anonymity as he is not authorized to discuss internal White House operations. “Chaos. People running in all directions. Screaming. Alarms blaring. It was a scary few minutes.”

White House officials notified the Departments of Defense and Homeland Security of the problem, according to the official.

“It was serious,” he said. “It was an all-hands-on-deck situation. This remote had to be found.”

President Trump has noted many times how much he enjoys Fox’s morning show, most recently in an interview with Tucker Carlson, telling him, “I like that group of three people,” meaning the hosts of “Fox & Friends”.

“He relies on them, the hosts of that show and other shows, mostly Fox shows, to learn about the world, about what’s happening, about everything from intelligence matters to national security to the economy,” the official said. “He needs that information. Otherwise he’d have to, like, read or listening to experts and briefings and such.”

Eventually, the remote control was located in between cushions of the large sofa that sits at the side of the President’s Bedroom. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and life went on. But how did it happen?

“Most people think Trump left it there himself,” the official said. “But he blamed a Secret Service guy and fired him. Young guy. Two young kids. It’s kind of a sad story. But, hey, at least we found the remote. Crisis averted.”

According to the official, senior aides to the president are considering putting a tracking device on the remote control, similar to the one that is on the president’s phone and other important security objects.

“We can’t have this happen again,” the official said. “It’s too risky.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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Mike Pence
March 13th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – With Democrats continuing to push for release of President Trump’s tax returns, and the issue of Trump’s business conflicts rearing its head in news story after news story, Vice President Mike Pence is wondering what the administration’s official line is on why the president hasn’t yet released his returns and shows no sign of doing so, according to a senior White House official with knowledge of the vice president’s thinking on this issue.

“He wants to know, you know, ‘Are we still going with the bullshit about the IRS audit?'” the official said, referring to the defense Trump has given since early in the presidential campaign as to why he hadn’t released his tax returns, the fact that he is under audit by the Internal Revenue Service. The official spoke to The Bulletin on the condition of anonymity, as he is not authorized to discuss internal White House matters.

The official said Pence has instructed his aides to ask Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller for clarification on what the official administration line is on the issue.

“His question is, if he’s asked about it, should he trot the IRS thing out again, or is there some new bullshit thing he should say instead? He needs to know how to respond to questions about it, which is why he’s asked Bannon and Miller about it.”

As recently as late January, Kellyanne Conway, White House counselor, tweeted that President Trump will release his tax returns after the IRS audit is completed. This was in contrast to her statement during a television appearance the day before in which she said flatly that the president will not release his tax returns.

The IRS has neither confirmed nor denied that President Trump is currently the subject of an audit. However, IRS officials have also said that the president is free to release his tax returns, whether he is under audit or not. This is because the excuse is bullshit.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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Sean Spicer Handed Mid-Briefing Note Saying, "You Just Committed A Felony"
March 9th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was in the middle of his daily press briefing Thursday when an aide handed him a note that said, “You just committed a felony,” according to a senior White House official with knowledge of the note’s contents.

Spicer paused briefly after reading the note, then cleared his throat and continued with the briefing, taking a question from Jonathan Karl of ABC News.

The alleged felony the note referred to apparently centers around Spicer’s remarks during the briefing about an alleged Justice Department investigation into ties between President Trump, his campaign team and officials representing the Russian government. Spicer said the investigators have, “no evidence, zero.”

“I’m telling you they have nothing,” Spicer said in response to a question from Hallie Jackson of NBC News. The briefing was recorded and broadcast on several different networks and news sites. “I’ve seen what they have, I got hold of it, and they have nothing. They should quit while they’re ahead.”

It is illegal for a White House official to try to influence an investigation by the FBI or the Justice Department itself. It is unclear whether the investigation Spicer was referring to is happening on behalf of the FBI or the Justice Department itself, which has jurisdiction over the FBI.

No matter the specific agency in charge of the investigation, any investigation of the type that Spicer was apparently referring to is supposed to be conducted free of any White House influence. If Spicer did, in fact, ask for, and ultimately procure any information on an investigation into President Trump, he may well have broken the law simply by doing so. On top of that issue, there is the fact that he publicized the investigation, which is also against the law, as any such investigation is considered classified.

It is unclear which Spicer aide handed him the note, but according to the White House official we spoke to, the entire White House communications team was in shock when they heard Spicer admit communicating with the Justice Department official from the podium in the Brady Briefing Room of the White House.

“They were all blown away,” the official said. “I mean, they know he’s not the brightest bulb, but they didn’t think he was quite that dumb.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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Trump flattered
March 7th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – President Trump is “kind of flattered” that there are people who think he operates on multiple levels simultaneously, most notably when sending out controversial tweets, according to a senior administration official.

“He’s touched, really, that they think his thinking has that many dimensions to it,” the official said. He spoke to The Bulletin on the condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak publicly about his discussions with the president.

Many have speculated about Trump’s use of “distraction,” illustrated most clearly in his behavior on Twitter.

The distraction theory posits that there is some major story Trump wants to divert attention from, such as a story about to break regarding connections between the Russian government and members of Trump’s administration or Trump himself. Or Trump wants to get everyone talking about one issue, something sensational and attention-grabbing, while quietly pushing through some policy change or procedure that would likely be unpopular if it got more attention.

What he does then is to use Twitter to send out a head-turning tweet, such as the one about former President Obama wiretapping his phones, or his claim that millions voted for Hillary Clinton illegally in the presidential election. Then, jounralists and ordinary Americans react to that tweet, which is the point. The conversation becomes centered around inauguration crowd size, or illegal voting, or whether or not President Obama wiretapped Trump, instead of on the growing body of evidence about Trump administration members’ contacts with Russian officials, for instance.

According to the official we spoke to, this is, at best, wishful thinking.

“He doesn’t work that way,” he said. “His mind really doesn’t have all that many dimensions. He doesn’t work on all these different levels at once. There’s just the one, really. Like, he can’t even eat and have a conversation at the same time. Let alone think up two news stories.”

Part of the reason the theory gets so much traction, according to the official, is because Trump’s ideas are so precedent-setting in their awfulness, and there are so many of them.

“People think, ‘well, he can’t really believe this incredibly stupid thing, it must be because he wants to distract from the stupid thing over here that he really believes or that he really wants to do.’ But no, he believes them all. He really wants to do them all. All the stupid things.”

The “distraction” hypothesis is unfounded and untrue, the official says, though it makes Trump smile that people think he’s so clever and/or devious.

“He loves the theory,” the official said, “because it makes him seem so smart. So cunning. But deep down he knows he’s not. He’s not cunning. He’s just there. Like a couch.”

Basically, the official said, Trump goes with his gut, not some well-conceived plot to deceive.

“He just works on impulse. On terrible, ill-informed impulse.”

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Trump Dedicates His Putt on 16 to the American Worker
March 5th, 2017 by neurome

PALM BEACH, FLA – President Donald Trump dedicated his two-putt on hole 16 of the golf course near his Mar-a-Lago resort to the American worker “and all that he’s struggling with, and his strength and resilience,” according to a statement Trump made to the press after completing the hole.

Trump reportedly played a full 18 holes at the club, as part of his weekend getaway from Washington, D.C., a trip which has become a regular weekend occurence since he assumed the presidency in January.

“I dedicate the putt I just made, the very good putt that really should have been one stroke but turned out to be two, to the American worker,” Trump said, standing in front of a lectern just to the side of the 16th hole, in a quickly-assembled press conference. “This is to show I’m thinking of them, that I do everything I do as president for them.”

Trump reached the green in three, then two-putt to finish one over par for the par-4 hole. The White House declined to reveal Trump’s score for the round as a whole.

“It hit me as I watched the ball go in the hole,” Trump said in apparently improvised remarks. “That this is for them. This is for the workers. The real Americans. The forgotten man. This putt is for them. They deserve it and I’m happy to give it to them.”

The White House originally said Trump is in Mar-a-Lago to take meetings and make phone calls, details of which were not disclsed. On Saturday, however, the White House press office revealed that golf might also be added to the president’s schedule.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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Donald and Melania Trump
March 3rd, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – First Lady Melania Trump is overjoyed about how often she gets to not see her husband, President Donald Trump, as he is regularly unavailable since assuming office, according to an administration official with intimate knowledge of the couple’s relationship.

“She’s just thrilled with how full his schedule is, how unavailable he’s been,” the official said. He spoke to The Bulletin on the condition of anonymity because he wasn’t authorized to discuss the first couple’s relationship.

“He’s very busy, obviously, either meeting with people at the White House, or traveling around the country,” the official said. “And when he’s not doing that he’s playing golf at Mar a Lago to unwind from all that stress and pressure. So he’s only available every so often. He’s only been at Trump Tower one weekend since he’s been president.”

This might make many men’s wives unhappy. Not the first lady.

“Oh, she couldn’t be happier,” the official said. “She almost gets to not see him every day.”

Mrs. Trump made some waves when it was revealed she would not be moving to the White House, instead staying in New York with son Barron, 10, and continuing to live in Trump Tower. There have been conflicting reports about the cost of protecting the first lady and her son while they stay in New York.

The official admitted the couple do see one another fairly often, depending on the week. Melania attended Donald’s address to a joint session of Congress just this past week, for instance.

But most of the time, Donald lives a life separate from his wife and youngest child. And that suits the first lady just fine.

On Monday, Mrs. Trump was told that Donald would be unavailable the rest of the week, as he would be tied up traveling and conducting meetings.

“She was over the moon when she heard,” the official said. “Giddy. Like a schoolgirl.”

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