Category: Uncategorized

President Donald Trump in the Oval Office
May 17th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – President Trump hatched a brilliant plan Monday evening to quell the furor over his reported revealing of classified information to Russian officials by igniting a larger scandal surrounding his asking former FBI Director James Comey to cease his investigation into Michael Flynn, Trump’s former national security advisor.

The second, arguably bigger scandal came so quickly on the heels of the first, that neither the Washington political establishment nor the American public had a chance to fully absorb the enormity of the earlier misstep before they were already forced to deal with the second.

With Washington still reeling from a Washington Post story about Trump bragging about classified intelligence during an already controversial Oval Office visit with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov and Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, the bombshell New York Times story about Trump asking Comey to halt the Flynn investigation took center stage, relegating the intelligence-sharing story to the back burner.

Much of the shocked reaction to the Comey story centers around the fact that it appears to at least border on obstruction of justice, if the events outlined in the story are true. The discussion of whether or not this was obstruction of justice, as well as discussion about the reliability of Comey’s notes, overwhelmed the ongoing discussion of the grave error Trump reportedly made when he revealed the classified information to the Russians.

“It was a brilliant move,” said a senior White House official who spoke on condition of anonymity because he wasn’t authorized to speak about the matter. “I mean, you don’t even have time to react fully to the first one, when, Wham! He hits you with the second. I mean, you guys give him a tough time, but he’s a brilliant tactician.”

What makes the move even more brilliant, the official said, is the fact that it occurred prior to Trump revealing the classified intelligence to the Russians, but broke after.

“He had to know when that story would break, how it would break,” the official said. “That’s really clever. Cunning, even.”

Asked if there are any plans to release details of another scandalous blunder by the president as a way to possibly blunt negative press generate from the Comey episode, the official would not say.

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” he said. “But rest assured, when it comes to bombshell blunders, he’s got plenty more up his sleeve.”

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James Comey
May 14th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – Candidates to become the new director of the FBI completed the swimsuit phase of the competition, according to senior administration officials familiar with the contest to determine who will lead the bureau following the abrupt firing of James Comey.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions and President Donald Trump are the main judges, with Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein also weighing in, according to the officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the deliberations.

Candidates include former Michigan congressman Mike Rogers, Congressman Trey Gowdy of South Carolina, Senator John Cornyn of Texas and Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe, among others.

Thus far, it appears Cornyn and Rogers have made the biggest impression, especially in the swimsuit portion of the contest.

“Rogers came out in this killer one-piece,” one official said. “Really showed off his shapely legs. Sessions was a big fan of that.”

But not to be outdone, according to the official, Cornyn really shone brightly when his turn came up.

“Cornyn’s bikini was just jaw-dropping,” the official recounted. “And he’s kind of tall, and his choice in swimsuit accentuated that. It really was a stunning statement he made. He’s going to be hard to beat, I think.”

Next, the candidates will compete with one another in the talent portion of the competition. Cornyn is said to be planning to play violin, while Rogers will sing and Gowdy will cluck.

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell speaks to reporters.
May 10th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – Senate Republican leadership said in a hastily-convened press conference Wednesday that President Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey was still somehow not enough to get them to end their support for him.

“While we are concerned with filling the position of FBI Director as quickly as possible and making sure any investigations are continued and carried out to their conclusions, we are not prepared at this time, somehow, to disavow the president or his actions,” said Senator Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who read from a prepared statement. “For a moment, it looked like it might be time. But alas, it was not to be.”

McConnell noted that he had heard from leaders in the House of Representative as well, and that they prepare to release their own statement, but agree with the general sentiment of the Senate statement.

“Speaker Ryan is aware of this press conference, and he supports it,” McConnell said. “I’m sure he’ll make his own statement shortly.”

Many speculated that Republicans might turn their backs on Trump en masse following his insults of veteran Republican Senator John McCain. A break by a significant number of Republicans with Trump did not occur at that point, however.

Then, after Trump’s insulting of a Gold Star family, a hispanic judge and most significantly, the release of an “Access Hollywood” tape in which Trump speaks of grabbing women “by the pussy,” pundits and experts thought the GOP’s break with Trump will surely come. It did not.

Nor did it occur this week, when President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, ostensibly for his handling of the Hillary Clinton email issue, though the bulk of the actions taken by Comey that Trump supposedly objected to happened more than six months ago.

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Paul Ryan
May 2nd, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, who is currently attempting to gather the needed Republican votes in the House of Representatives to push through a bill repealing Barack Obama’s signature Affordable Care Act, was unsure Tuesday afternoon whether an amendment to the bill currently under consideration, which would mandate any American family living below the poverty line die a slow, painful and public death, would be enough to ensure a yes vote from members of the hardline House Freedom Caucus, according to GOP officials familiar with the amendment and Ryan’s thinking.

“He’s just not sure, he doesn’t feel he’s on solid ground,” said the official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of upsetting Republican leadership. “He thinks it might do the trick, he thinks it might take more.”

A key aspect of the amendment, according to the official, is the fact that whatever slow, painful death the poor families endure, it must also happen publicly.

“That’s non-negotiable,” the official said. “They want to be able to watch the deaths. Ideally, they’re thinking maybe a pay-per-view type thing as a way to simultaneously generate some added revenue.”

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The White House
April 27th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus made sure there was someone in the White House available to watch President Trump while Priebus ran out for coffee, according to a senior White House official.

“Priebus said he would be out, like, fifteen minutes, max,” the official said. He spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of upsetting the White House. “He wanted someone to hang out in the Oval while he was gone, to keep an eye on the president.”

After asking around, Priebus finally got an aide to sit in the Oval Office while he was gone. When he got back, the aide told him everything was fine, except for one minor hiccup.

“The aide said there was one time Trump tried to eat a paperweight but he was able to stop him. So, crisis averted.”

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Mnuchin speaks to reporters
April 27th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump tasked Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin and the director of the National Economic Council Gary Cohn with unveiling his ambitious plan to cut taxes for a majority of Trump family members. The plan would cap the individual income tax rate for millionaire members of the Trump family at 15%, and would eliminate the estate tax and alternative minimum tax.

“The president has boldly introduced a plan to reduce the unfair tax burden many Trumps face under our current system,” said Mr. Mnuchin, in a prepared statement prior to taking questions from reporters. “This plan balances the scales, in favor of people named Trump, who earn millions, if not billions, of dollars each year due mostly to things none of them did.”

THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS ALERT. IT WILL BE UPDATED AS INFORMATION BECOMES AVAILABLE.

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Enlightenment
April 21st, 2017 by neurome

You realized recently that a lot of the great writers suffered a great deal, and then used that suffering and pain as source material for their writing. That got you thinking about how much suffering you’ve had. Probably not even enough for an entire full-length novel.

You were raised by two loving parents in a relatively affluent suburb. You had everything you needed most of your life, and even most things you wanted. You never had to go hungry or homeless or survive a bombing or invasion. In short, you’ve had it pretty easy.

Now, there is the issue of your self-inflicted suffering, and that probably does count for something. All the times you beat yourself up for things you did or didn’t do, all the times you were hit with waves of depression and/or anxiety, all of those have left their mark. So there is some suffering. All unnecessary and most self-created, but suffering nonetheless.

So you add that all up and what do you get? About a novella’s-worth, you figure. A 200-page, breezy, large font book. Light reading, like, maybe for the beach.

You’d have to lose one of your parents or battle a life-threatening disease to get to a full novel’s-worth, you figure.

As for multiple books? You’re not even close to that level of suffering yet. You’d have to have a drastic life change for that to be possible – time in prison or a war zone. Your privileged upbringing has not supplied you with the necessary life experience to fuel mutliple novels.

Just stick with your novella, Suburb Boy. It fits you. Anything more is pushing it.

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Trump Launches Preemptive Strike Against 30% Approval
April 7th, 2017 by neurome

PALM BEACH, FLA – President Trump launched over 50 Tomahawk missiles at a military airbase in Syria Thursday night in a preemptive strike against a 30% approval rating. Trump spoke to reporters at his Mar-a-Lago resort following the onset of the strike.

“I am taking this bold, decisive action tonight not because I desire it, but because I have no choice — simply no other choice,” the president said. He appeared to alternate between reading from prepared remarks and speaking in an off-the-cuff manner, as he often does. “I looked at the poll numbers coming in and I said to myself, ‘This can’t stand. This cannot be allowed to stand.’ And I took action. I told the American people I would be a president who takes action and I am.”

Trump’s approval rating has been a consistent decline over the past several weeks, in part due to a well-publicized failure on repealing former President Obama’s Affordable Care Act and his multiple losses in court regarding both version of his controversial travel ban.

Trump is currently hosting Chinese President Xi Jinping at his Florida club. Reports indicate that the resort was transformed into a kind of auxiliary situation room, as Trump and his team devised their launch plan. Trump said he wanted to assure the American people that he has “the best minds, the best people” working on their behalf when it comes to foreign policy.

“We have the best people on this, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “Rest assured. I just spoke with Secretary of State Tillerson. He is right now binge-watching all available episodes of ‘Madam Secretary.’ So he’ll be well up to speed on what to do in very short order, believe me.”

Trump called on “all civilized nations” to support his administration in taking action to stop his plummeting poll numbers.

“We have no choice in a time like this, but to act,” he said. “We cannot look back, when we are at 20 percent, 25 percent approval and say, ‘We should have done something then. When we were at 35.’ The time to act is now.”

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April 5th, 2017 by neurome

WASHINGTON – Following an alleged chemical weapon attack on civilians by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, President Trump is currently huddled in the White House Situaton Room with his most trusted televisions, according to a senior administration official who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“He’s in there right now, meeting with his three or four most trusted televisions,” the official said. “He’s listening to them and taking in their expert opinions as he considers his and the country’s response to this atrocity.”

THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS ALERT. IT WILL BE UPDATED AS INFORMATION BECOMES AVAILABLE.

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Bill O'Reilly
April 3rd, 2017 by neurome

A study commissioned by Purdue University has concluded that it is physically impossible for Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly to make a “wanted, welcomed, desired” sexual advance on any female human being. The study will be released in full on Wednesday, but a synopsis was made available to The Bulletin.

“We have concluded that there is zero possibility the advances made by Mr. O’Reilly could have been wanted or invited,” said the study’s lead researcher Seth Gonlin. “Further, based on our findings, there has never been a sexual advance made by Mr. O’Reilly that was wanted or desired, nor will there ever be. It is a scientific impossibility.”

Like most scientific studies, the research began with a hypothesis, namely that it was not possible for O’Reilly to make a sexual advance towards a female that she wanted him to make. Following many rounds of advanced testing through modelling various hypothetical scenarios, they concluded their hypothesis was correct.

“0.00 percent chance of Mr. O’Reilly making a wanted sexual advance towards a woman,” Mr. Godin said.

The study was commissioned in response to several reports of Mr. O’Reilly’s alleged sexual harassment of women who worked with him at Fox News or appeared on his show, “The O’Reilly Factor.” Researchers were trying to ascertain if it was even hypothetically possible for a wanted advance to occur from O’Reilly. They concluded it was not possible.

“There is no scenario, based on our data and modeling, using the available laws of physics, where a woman of sound mind and full capability to make her own decisions would actually want Mr. O’Reilly to make a sexual advance towards her, or have any kind of sexual relationship with him,” Mr. Godin said. “We found it to be a physical impossibility.”

Mr. O’Reilly did not respond to our request for comment.

The only other study that resulted in the same 0.00 percent chance of event occurrence was one completed in 2003.

“That was to discover if it was possible for gravity to pull objects upwards instead of down,” Godin said.

DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and is completely fictional.

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